I dreamed of having a blog since time immemorial

I can't believe I'm writing again. Thanks to this new world I've created and to this laptop I'm using :)

I can now perfectly convey what I feel. It just sucks to know that sometimes you've got all those words on your mind and just gets to jammed up together that you just don't know where to start..

Anyway, I'm glad I found my inspiration in writing again, although I'm still clueless what that is..

I dreamed of having a blog since time immemorial, a perfect blog where I can store all the information, all the thoughts and convictions in this brain of mine. Well I'm glad I've found it.

Started with that friendster blog, which really wasn't a good place to hide all this stuff, then come facebook, which was really nothing, then tumblr, I really can't share anything there except for some pictures and some quotes. I'm happy I found the courage to make a blogspot of my own, it's the perfect spot for all the jumbled words on my mind. <3

It's 11.40pm on my clock, and I think I better get going, hope I find another good thing to blog about tomorrow. :)

It ends here.

29.7.11 11.41.pm

I have faded to dust. And all that's left is but a tiny speck.

I can't believe I'm typing this right now, but, yeah, I guess I need to take this down.. lol

Been trolling on some pages lately, browsed some people I knew back in High School which had kinda a similar past as I had back then..

Told myself, "Wow, they really out done their selves."

I can't believe I'm missing the fun of being on stage, the crowd's cheer and the fast beating of my heart whenever I face a thousand audiences..

I miss people whispering the words, "You can do it!"

As I was looking through some pictures I can't help but feel jealous.. I so want to be on stage, even just one last time.. even though I knew I told myself I've retired, long ago..

When I entered college, I told myself that it would be a lot different.. that I'll refrain from entering those so called pageants and "searches".. But as time passed I missed the screaming crowd, the tension I feel whenever questions are asked, and the breath taking moment when they announce the winner.. I miss it. I miss the lime light. Never thought I'd say this words but I do, I really do.

But still, whenever they ask me to do so, nowadays, I hinder myself from saying "Ok, I'll join."

Just realized I now have a lot of insecurities I need to deal with right now.

Chubby Cheeks.

Not being too photogenic.

Soon to be so so fat legs.

Flabby Arms.

And my protruding belly. lol

Extra adipose tissue included.

They keep on telling me, "Why wont you join now that you're still young?"

I tell them because I've got priorities, studies..

And that life is far beyond my reach.. most probably that land too..

I want to, but a part of me says no.. In myself I know that that wasn't the only reason why I always hesitated to join.. I fear of the crowd, again.. Of the growling and howling. I fear of being hated right now. I don't know..

Perhaps it's the idea that people now expect something from me..

Or maybe because whenever they see me, they can always remember something of my past.. "Ah, sya yung Ms. Junior dati?"

Dati, past, former. And now gone..

I have faded to dust. And all that's left is but a tiny speck..

I was that big planet long ago. Now I'm gone. I'm pluto, a former planet, now considered as an asteroid.. but no, I'm worst than that, I'm nothing..

So this is me whining. If I were a child I should be having tantrums at the moment, but no, I've grown up, and since technology is at its best today, I'm no longer holding a pen and a paper to express my feelings, I'm now typing on this lousy keyboard.. So that maybe just maybe, I can let go of some of my frustrations.

The end.

Story of my life. 29.7.11. 11.21pm

I always come back stranded in my sea of dreams.

I've grown up..

I don't remember wishing so.. but I guess I did, a few times back when I was still younger than I was today..

I don't wanna grow up, really..

I wanna be like peter pan, the child who never grows old back in Neverland..

How I wish I can stay in a storybook, so that I'll remain a lil' girl like Alice and have superb adventures in Wonderland.. over and over again..

Too bad though, no matter how hard I've tried..

I always come back stranded in my sea of dreams..

I find myself in front of the mirror, staring at myself, looking at my dark brown eyes, my round face, and my straight black hair..

I'll never be too old for the saying "I wish I was a child again.."

But then again, how many times should I wish to do so?..

For all the times I did, I lost track of what I was doing..
I forgot to cease the moment.. to enjoy life as a kid while I still am.. Cause I was too busy wishing I could still bring my childhood back..

I am young, still young..

and I wish I could enjoy my life a s it is..

I remember one great saying back when I was in HS,
"No one is ever satisfied or contented with his/her life."

We keep on wishing on stars & comets and we keep on praying for something better, that we always forget about what we have.

Let's enjoy what we have now..

I am young, still young..

And I wanna live life as happy as playing house when I was a kid. I wanna love like that fake wedding with my playmate. And I wanna laugh endlessly, like when I was playing piggy back rides with my kuya and papa..

I wanna scream and shout like when I was playing hide and seek with my friends,

I wanna jump and hop, like playing piko, jumping rope and Chinese garter.

But most of all..

while I'm still young..

I wanna stay sweet and nice to my mamaand papa..

Like when my papa would carry me on his back and when I still go to church with my mama..

I know I can still be their lil' angel..

I may have grown up..

to be perhaps, a young lady,

but still, i don't want my childhood days to be but a pigment of my imagination someday..

I want it to be real and imaginable..

I don't wanna let go of my childhood really.. but as I end this,

I bid good bye to my dream of being a child again, but say hello, to a continuation in my reality..

I wish the lil' prince was here to give me some advice. T_T

-2 nights till the end of my summer.
9.6.11. sleep.

hold my hand, make me feel safe, mom.

I miss my mama holding my hand..

It's that feeling of security, cause you know she's always there to protect you.
It's that feeling of delight, cause her warm hand makes you feel comfortable...

Saw a little boy climbing the stairs with his mama.. Made me miss the times when I held my mother's hand and felt so much at ease..

I miss the feeling of anger and being annoyed, whenever she seems so over protective.
I miss the time when I fell down and wounded my knees..
I miss my mama caring for me..

But everything changes..
Feels good to be a child once again..

Everything seemed to irritate me before, I wanted ti shout out loud, and say "Hey, I'm 10, you need not scold me." I can't imagine I'm missing the lectures, the everyday 'sermon'.

Time has passed..
Now, I can just hold on to all these memories..

I miss my mama, holding my hand and blowing gently that insect caught in my eye..
I miss her loud voice saying "Stop going up that hill!"
I miss the old times..

and never can it happen again..

All I've got are fragments, half of the story and half the feeling.

I miss my mama giving me all her attention..

but the earth goes round..and I'm weary..

A simple text warms my heart, specially when I read "jeje" on it..

She no longer scolds me and never is she strict now..

I guess that's the price of growing up..
You're free to do the things you can never do before.. with the absence of someone mandating your every move..

I wanna hold your hand again.. And feel the warmth, I wanna feel secured once more..

I promise I won't hesitate..

Cause I miss holding your hand..

-lrt train ride. 7.26.11 2.56

Telling Him I Love You.

Love is that unforgettable dream; it s a fairytale like no other.It s the coming of age of a person s emotion because she knows she has felt the greatest emotion in the world. It s that one special feeling that never could you deny nor keep from people around you. Love, it s an equation of you plus me.

They say when you love, it s the time when you feel like falling, it's like putting in mind that there s no turning back. It means no holding back of emotion, falling and letting it all go. But there is one time when you feel like hesitating, keeping your emotions and hiding from him from a distant. You feel like screaming and you ask yourself, Must I show it? Must I tell him? Then you find it in your heart to tell him, until you finally discovered that it s too late, too late to tell him.

Love is like a fairytale come true, when you tell him you love him and he answers, "I love you too." It' s having the feeling of delight and contentment because being with him means the world to you. It s like having that floating on air feeling because you know you ve told him the truth about your emotions. It s like feeling guaranteed that all will be well, because it will always be you and me .

On the other hand, love is an unforgettable dream, it s the memory that will always linger, and will be forever reminisced, from the day you met him till the day you ve finally decided to tell him. But what if you choose not to norture that intense feeling because you hesitated; you deprived yourself of loving and being loved back. You choose to keep it to yourself and yourself alone, though all the world shouts you have fallen. You ll feel the agony, the regret and you shall feel the world crumbling down before your very feet. It ll seem like the end of everything. And still, it is an unforgettable dream, where you d hope once again to find the love you ve been wishing for all your life.

Love is the greatest emotion in the world, it really doesn t matter if you told him you loved him or if you kept it to yourself and neither is it about having felt his care or having a heartache, it s like the famous quotation about love,"It s better to love and be hurt than to never to have loved at all." It's the idea of learning and having felt love even if it hurts you dearly than never being in love at all.

It's that feeling of contentment, loving, and not wanting anything in return..

I LOVE YOU, 3 simple words that'll mean the world to you.

I remembred CTCL with this composition.. I guess TRUE LOVE WAITS.. :)

This scene was such a heartbreaking moment. :(

 And it was Nam all along.. :)

Tell her/him I Love You.. :)

21.1.11

Comm. Skills 2

~nothing personal here, just didn't got any topic to write on about.. this was written like more than a year ago.. found it when I was looking through some random stuff on a bunch of notebooks I have. :)

Fragments of my life.

This is a fragment of my half interesting secret life.

I love to write but I hide my face & identity from the majority, because I’m a hundred times scared of rejection and critic. I write about my emotions, my true convictions, my confessions & my story.

I made this blog so I can throw in all my junk here, so I can finally delete it from my over used, fully loaded, pea sized brain.

Been looking through a bunch of notebooks and browsed some online notes lately, it made me realized my compositions needed a new place to dwell in.

I’ve been through more than a dozen blogspot accounts and my alt ego kept on forcing me to make one, but my mind instantly jolts into a feeling of uncertainty and fear.

But today I’ve finally decided to build this sanctuary to house some of my most sacred thoughts.

Just wanna blog to express here, cause I’m so damn desperate to let all this inspiration out of my system.

Hope someone visits this though, I’ll be thrilled. J

30.6.11. 10.24