turning a new leaf

what does turning a new leaf mean?
will it mean actual change?
or will it go gradually?
few days has passed and i feel anxious

i've never felt so anxious for such a long time
it feels as though pressure has been thrown right at me
something no one has ever given me
but myself

they say timelines dont matter
but maybe just sometimes
when we actually think that it doesnt
we tend to forget

to forget that we should actually plan
for the days that will come by
for the month that will actually pass by swiftly
for years that you never thought will come

but actually, its nearer than you ever thought it would be
i am faced by this consequence
a consequence i knew i needed to face in time
but what does anyone need to ever be prepared?

i have questioned myself a thousand times
ive thrown questions here and there
but it just seems like a one way street
so many questions and yet not one single one answered

its deafening
its just like a one sided whirlwind of thoughts
im stuck in this limbo
i dont know when i'll ever leave

im so clueless,
i dont even know what to do
i dont even know where to start
what i know is just the now

how does one turn a new leaf?

being alone

Deafening silence, sometimes I ought to surround myself with this
Just to let my heart and mind think
I miss those times when walking nourished my soul
When just pure lurking around inspired me

Those times when staring at falling leaves meant a new poem
When looking at children playing felt nostalgic
Capturing each moment seemed like writing stories that will infinitely last
Everything has gone by so fast and smoothly

I cant seem to keep up with this fast phased world
Sometimes I feel like I'm even losing who I was before
We live in this world where constant change is needed
I hate to say it, but most often, we conform

Maybe that's why ever so often,
I would choose to just sit still and wonder
Waiting for thoughts to come by
Those moments when being alone meant bliss

Being alone meant I could write something new
Being alone meant I could hear my own thoughts
Being alone meant joy to my soul
Being alone meant creativity could flow

Its awesome to wander around people,
To learn about them, to know who they are
But there's just this accomplishing feeling
When at the end of the day you belong to you.

You realize everything that's happened
And tap yourself in the back
Bliss. That only you yourself can give.
Maybe this is self worth.