I can't believe I'm typing this right now, but, yeah, I guess I need to take this down.. lol
Been trolling on some pages lately, browsed some people I knew back in High School which had kinda a similar past as I had back then..
Told myself, "Wow, they really out done their selves."
I can't believe I'm missing the fun of being on stage, the crowd's cheer and the fast beating of my heart whenever I face a thousand audiences..
I miss people whispering the words, "You can do it!"
As I was looking through some pictures I can't help but feel jealous.. I so want to be on stage, even just one last time.. even though I knew I told myself I've retired, long ago..
When I entered college, I told myself that it would be a lot different.. that I'll refrain from entering those so called pageants and "searches".. But as time passed I missed the screaming crowd, the tension I feel whenever questions are asked, and the breath taking moment when they announce the winner.. I miss it. I miss the lime light. Never thought I'd say this words but I do, I really do.
But still, whenever they ask me to do so, nowadays, I hinder myself from saying "Ok, I'll join."
Just realized I now have a lot of insecurities I need to deal with right now.
Not being too photogenic.
Soon to be so so fat legs.
And my protruding belly. lol
Extra adipose tissue included.
They keep on telling me, "Why wont you join now that you're still young?"
I tell them because I've got priorities, studies..
And that life is far beyond my reach.. most probably that land too..
I want to, but a part of me says no.. In myself I know that that wasn't the only reason why I always hesitated to join.. I fear of the crowd, again.. Of the growling and howling. I fear of being hated right now. I don't know..
Perhaps it's the idea that people now expect something from me..
Or maybe because whenever they see me, they can always remember something of my past.. "Ah, sya yung Ms. Junior dati?"
Dati, past, former. And now gone..
I have faded to dust. And all that's left is but a tiny speck..
I was that big planet long ago. Now I'm gone. I'm pluto, a former planet, now considered as an asteroid.. but no, I'm worst than that, I'm nothing..
So this is me whining. If I were a child I should be having tantrums at the moment, but no, I've grown up, and since technology is at its best today, I'm no longer holding a pen and a paper to express my feelings, I'm now typing on this lousy keyboard.. So that maybe just maybe, I can let go of some of my frustrations.
Story of my life. 29.7.11. 11.21pm