Struggles & fears.

As I type in words to this blog post,  droplets fall, and I draw near insanity.

I've been quite an expert in keeping all things locked up, sealed to perfection with a poker face to top it all up.

I am strong, I always tell myself that.
I am NOT weak.
I am good, I am better that good, supernatural things are upon me.

I am filled with optimism, with delight, with joy.
But as everyday goes, my spirit slowly crumbles...
And I am left hopeless & weary.

I am fighting through the uncertainty,
I am conquering all odds,
At least I am trying my very best.

But there's always that tiny "but" amidst all crisis.

Nothing seems to go well,
And I am left with nothing but queries.

"Bakit ganun? Bakit ganto?"

"Weren't I a good student?"

I'm doing my best, but still, it's all wrong.

I am struggling, fighting with all my heart

To reach my most awaited victory.

A victory, I presume will be worth it.

I fear that all this is but a sign,
to whether give up or choose another.
BUT NO, I know I CAN.

I just have to keep on believing
Trying, and learning.
So that maybe, just maybe...

One day I'll be triumphant.

--dee. 
7.12.12. 7.01

Conflict of interests.

I wonder how there can ever be trillions of people in this vast universe,
with only a you & a me.

I am what I am, and I can never change that.
I may have tried once, twice or so, but I know I cannot in a million years change who i am.
For you.

Blame games and plastic cups.
A glass of liquor and some pain killers.
Metaphors & similes used.

But inside of me,
no verb nor noun can can alleviate
all the infuriating thoughts that jolt.

You have taught me to be inferior.
I am an underdog.
And you are the peak.

I used to look up to you.
Bow down on every achievement.
I wanted to be like you.

Glad I didn't.
Now I feel ashamed.
You no longer even have to exist.

Of all the many strangers,
why must you be the one?
The one I will forever bare.

We all must carry our own cross.
But to this, I must say no.
I object, and  resist.

Bound by bonds I can never deny.
Yet barred by depths of hatred,
of disgust & arrogance.

I shall never say no to reconciliation
but as this goes,
I'll take it with me.

Cause once we were strangers.
But you never said hi.
And I was naive.

I don't understand all rules.
And you don't seem to like me.
So good bye.

To the bond between us.

-Dee
07-05-12
:)