turning a new leaf

what does turning a new leaf mean?
will it mean actual change?
or will it go gradually?
few days has passed and i feel anxious

i've never felt so anxious for such a long time
it feels as though pressure has been thrown right at me
something no one has ever given me
but myself

they say timelines dont matter
but maybe just sometimes
when we actually think that it doesnt
we tend to forget

to forget that we should actually plan
for the days that will come by
for the month that will actually pass by swiftly
for years that you never thought will come

but actually, its nearer than you ever thought it would be
i am faced by this consequence
a consequence i knew i needed to face in time
but what does anyone need to ever be prepared?

i have questioned myself a thousand times
ive thrown questions here and there
but it just seems like a one way street
so many questions and yet not one single one answered

its deafening
its just like a one sided whirlwind of thoughts
im stuck in this limbo
i dont know when i'll ever leave

im so clueless,
i dont even know what to do
i dont even know where to start
what i know is just the now

how does one turn a new leaf?

crossroads.

i was always that kid who never wanted to grow up,
not because my childhood was never great
i just wanted to savor every moment of it
being young felt like a passport to do all things without much to think about

looking back and reading prose from recent years
I realized i was growing up and i was struggling
i was struggling to joggle a new life that's set before me
i lost track of my passion and i lost time for myself

i forgot how it was to actually feel passion burning from deep within
i forgot how it was to take in something and live in the moment
i forgot how it was to actually feel like a kid without any responsibilities
i forgot to live, and to actually be in that moment.

maybe i was right,
i never really wanted to grow up.
but would do i do?
i can never take all the years back.

we were never meant to age backwards.
we were always meant to keep moving forward
to stop and enjoy breaks
but continue to strive and go further

its always great to look back and remember old memories
i will never forget the little prince and his friend the fox
nor will i ever forget the elephant and the boa constrictor
time is only relevant, to age is inevitable

we can always come back and enjoy the old days
the feeling it brought and the happiness that once stayed
but its always a great thing to look forward to what lies ahead
to the journey that awaits

growing up will never ever be easy.
i just have to stand tall and believe
that i can conquer tomorrow, one step a time.

because i may always regret not being a kid again,
but i will always be that kid with big dreams.
and right now, right here...
i'm bound to achieve those goals, just wait and see.



040219.11.40pm

growing up

My thoughts have long been filled with unending errands and ideas that run a jolt I have long been contemplating of writing and going back to my core That alone time of just simply being quiet Longing to reminisce and bask in life's wonders Working has put me in a four cornered cage Trapped within four walls, it feels like confinement. My thoughts no longer free to run wild. I miss long walks and just staring at the sky Looking at tall buildings, wondering how long it took to build them Life outside this four cornered stall continued to flourish Whether I got to be there for it or not Trees got taller, kids grew bigger Some places no longer what they used to be And these pages I write on, they're fresh As if waiting to be written on Life continues moving Whether you participate or not Whether this notebook remains empty or filled Gone are the days of frolic and idleness I wish I can fill these pages again Ooze with some inspiration And jot down nonstop Which I once did Its true, things change And so does circumstance I wonder if things ever go back to normal Or maybe this is really just part of growing up? enveloped thoughts. 071818.11:09pm

Wasting Youth~

And just so suddenly I decided to close my eyes that share a window to the world I found myself deep into the ocean Staring blankly into my own reflection A person I have always come to know But she seems different from when I last saw her She’s looks much wiser but looking deeper into her eyes You can see desperation and frustration Of untangled dreams that seem far to reach Looking into her I realize she’s slowly growing old Never yet realizing her dreams and goals Her mind is focused on but one undertaking A venture that has enslaved her for years Step, step, barefoot on the beach, She would always dream about a sunny day Where she’d get sunkissed while listening to music On a fairly nice holiday away from the city buzz Ring, ring, its 1 o’clock She would always dream to wake up in the afternoon Even just for once in her life To know that she’s at least a human and deserves a bit more rest Swish, swish, she pulls her suitcase She would always dream to fly from one country or place to another Even just to savor the moment And pretend that all the world’s but a destination she can easily reach Brrr, brrr, she awakens from her realization That all these are just dreams And here she is, wasting away her youth In four cornered walls, her life slips away~ 101018 Church. 9:06pm

alas onse ng gabi

alas onse ng gabi, nagbukas ng blog
h biglang pumasok sa utak mga salita
mga talata, mga ideya, mga parirala.

alas onse ng gabi, namimiss kita.
pilit iniisip ano marahil ang araw kung nariyan ka.
kung sa pagising may pag asang masulyapan ka.

alas onse ng gabi, patuloy na nagrerefresh ng inbox.
nagbabaka sakali baka may bagong mensahe.
mensaheng makakapagpatulog sa isip na ayaw magpahinga.

alas onse ng gabi, tila nangungulila.
sa isang ngiti, sa isang larawan.
sa isang tunog ng cellphone, sa isang boses na tila ketagal ng di narinig.

alas onse ng gabi, nagtatanong.
nagaalala, nagtataka.
ano na mga ba ang meron?

alas onse ng gabi, namimiss kita.
at patuloy akong magsusulat
nagbabakasakali na sa isang segundo, nariyan na.

alas onse ng gabi, namimiss kita.
kumusta kaya ang araw mo?
kumusta kaya ang trabaho mo?

alas onse ng gabi, namimiss kita.
alam kong namimiss mo rin ako
kunwari ka pa.

alas onse ng gabi, at malapit na mag 12.
pero lilipas na naman ang araw at hindi kita kausap.
baka sakali bukas pagising, may green na tuldok.

alas onse ng gabi, magpapalit araw na.
pinapanalangin pagising ko, may good morning na.
o kahit siguro good night.

alas onse ng gabi, dumating na si pinsan.
hahawiin ang nangingilid na luha.
at tatapusin ang tula.



04.03.18
11:32pm

tic tac

Tic tac,
Its like your life passes by
Before your very eyes

Tic tac,
Its like time running out
As you stay in one corner

Tic tac,
Its like having the world count on you
Tic tac,
But never really having anyone to count on

Tic tac,
Its like digesting everyone's meal
Tic tac,
And expecting to take it all out as well

Tic tac,
Its like things wont run smoothly
Tic tac,
Without you. Without you.

Tic tac,
Its as if everyone's lives depended on you
Tic tac,
Its like putting the world on your shoulders

Tic tac,
Its like finding someone
Tic tac,
To finally lay the burden on

Tic tac,
Its hoping this wont take a while anymore
Tic tac,
Its what keeps me going

Tic tac,
To know that time runs fast
Tic tac,
However slow it feels like

Tic tac,
I'll let the hands move
Tic tac,
Just as it slowly diverts attention

Tic tac,
Not on me
Tic tac,
But on to another

Tic tac,
And so the clock moves
Tic tac,
And though youth passes by

Another youth becomes adult.
To pass on a lifetime of work.
To pass on all that's giving bondage
To finally live a life

Free of worries
Free of deadlines
Free of responsibilities
Of others.


10:30AM
122116

Hope

Tarry a little while
These four cornered walls
They seem to sophocate
Slowly, its like an echoing silence

Drowning you into an infinite mess
Of chaos and distraction
You keep your eye on the price
And your head focused

But it lingers
Grasping your skin till it hurts
Till it hurts,
And till you wake

This is not a dream
And that's when it sinks in deep
This is not a dream
Its reality waiting to uncover

This is not a dream
And I wish it was
This is not a dream
How can this be real?

This is not a dream
How I wish fairytales were real
This is not a dream
But I still strongly hope

That one day soon
I'll wake up
Tears turn to dust
Clinging on to hope

That one day, the present would only be just a dream.


 9:58AM
122116

Dentista.

Funny how I started this page as a student A student with high hopes and dreams. A student with a passion to share her thoughts through bits of fragmented words and phrases. Its been years, and finallu I pushed through. It was a long journey, But it was all worth the wait. 8 months has passed since my first day at work Its been draining yet fulfilling. Nothing much has changed. Although I have less time to write..... And less time to explore the world and all its wonders Nevertheless I wanna prepare myself for the good life Its gonna be one heck of a ride and im gonna enjoy it :) Cheers for now! x 12:59pm March 14, 2016

Masks and Fronts~

Droplets of rain fall just as my heart ponders
On thoughts i'd rather not think about
Moments linger, emotions flourish
I lay awake just to see what happens next

Actions are louder than the thoughts that dwell inside our cages
What the brain conceives physical nature brings out
Arrows streak on a bull's eye
Blood flow through existing veins

Masks and fronts
Smiles and leaving.
Loneliness surfaces
and to writing...

Dwell on written words that dont cut as blade
When the heart feels lacerated and handicapped
The world seem suffocating
And fake.

Facades and rumors
Whispers and stabs
Like pinned needles they sting
Cause the mind never forgets

But you'll always be fine
Cause moments pass
We move on.
We pretend.

Treasures and friends.
True or False.
I don't even know what's real
Nor where I stand

Crossroads and goodbyes
Junctions and dilemmas
You ask where to go
And in signs you look

Mind's confused, hear wonders
How does one think logically?
How does one surpass such?
Too many questions raised

So little time to discover,
one self and decisions
dispositions and beliefs
I can not answer a single one.


but one day perhaps.

inglorious windings~

A bump on the head,
a scratch on the skin,
enough to slap awaken reality
bursting up the bubble of infinite better days~

You find yourself rattled once more
Drowning in a finite mess of things
Of inglorious windings
and constant rages of hope.

Drops of rain fall amidst the summer sky
Just as the clouds battle against the wind
And it never stops for hours
Just to settle in mind who flourishes in the end.

And I wont give in to all
I wait for clear blue skies
For a great summer
For unrelenting thoughts

Tomorrow will be better.
I contest to the misery unfathomable
When you do most you can
And achieve none to presume.

I have once drowned in the immeasurable abyss
I have survived and frolicked,
But when all else fails
Push. Pray until something happens.

This warrior is never over getting battle scars.
When the enemy refuses to see your efforts.
Never think ill.
Instead hope for peace of mind.

Fast, until perhaps one day
It realizes your worth something.
I contest to believe in the negative.
I may still be living in my own bubble.

But I'll always know,
Hope is better than nothing.
Just..
Lord God, I know You're there for me, for us.


03.24.14

Dreams & Detours~

Truth is, I wasn't just given a dream.
I developed it myself.


Or maybe I wasn't.


I grew up learning each day that I opt to be "something"I have always knew I wanted to be.
While others contemplate and rationalize things I have always been stuck with one choice.
In high school, when others would weigh what they're good at and compare it with their would-be-courses I stay in my own lil' corner and aspire.
Coz I have always known what I wanted to be.

I was inspired to be what I wanted to be.
I was dazzled in amazement by the complexities of human teeth.
My high school batchmates could attest to that.
I have always opted to choose where I am today.

To realize that I am now a few steps closer to that dream is an achievement.
To know that 5 years will soon come to end,
To strive & let live all the tension, stress and acads explosions,
To believe that in a few months time, I shall graduate.

But what's next?


I wasn't given a dream.
I am striving to achieve it.
I wasn't given an illusion.
I plan to build my own future.


Coz when you build your own dream you realize,
that you deserve to have your own future.
And as the thought of how tough those years have been,
you refuse to stay blinded.


Tomorrow is a long way ahead.
I dont know what lies in the path that awaits,
but I am positive, a detour shall soon rise.
The road is under construction..


but let the good times roll.
Drive into the future. It shall seem great.


030914

Growing up.

I dont know, I just dont feel fine.
And I just want comfort and someone who can listen.
I just wanna explode and let it all flow.
I just wanna say things, coz it feels that I dont have the right anymore.

When people try to decide for yourself, you lose your voice.
You tend to realize that everything in your future is no longer yours.
That everything that's true now is no longer real.
And all your plans suddenly flourish in one blink.

You smile in pretension and feel so bipolar.
And when the world seem to crumble,
You pray that someone will notice.
Coz your strong, and no one should know.

But you arent. You're a ticking time bomb.
And all it takes is a call from your mom.
When even her voice wont seem to comfort you.
You miss your homeland and your friends.

You miss the times when everything depends on you.
When you wont think about what to do tomorrow or the summer break.
You realize you cant do anything about it.
Coz your chained, no matter what it seems right.

Why cant it be bad.
Why does it feel so sad.
That even flyin' else where is a dilemma.
It just freakin hurts.

I wanna feel numb.
I wanna break free.
I wanna seek for things i want.
Not what others want.

I just..
I feel burdened.
And when your expectations fail you.
Dream a better dream.

Coz maybe just maybe, tomorrow your dream will be yours, truly.




030914.
:')

Frantic Horror~

You realize you were hanging on but a single thread, dangling down the brink of a cliff as the sunlight slowly haunts you with a promise of hope & tomorrow that never to seem come.


Then the phoenix rises & sees his prey, he grabs on it as quickly as the birds soar on migration day.


That was it. The last beam of glee and a promise of a future to await.


And scorn by misery & regress the culprit being stays inept to being her own kind.

The vast lands matter not a little, cause all the majority fills it with terror and frantic horror.

That was her last ticket for a glimpse of a new beginning.

Of better days and of light shining at the end of the tunnel
The damsel's last cry as she wakes to see the rainbow after the rain.
It was that stream of fresh warmth on a long winter night.

It was what the moment gave and she chose to bit.


Now everything in the world has chosen to fall apart.
Crumbling in every aspect of uncertainty
Of the weary mind that choose to stay awake.
In the wee hours of the morning, she decides to take the nearest exit.




010614
LRT ride~

World Says~

What I am about to reveal now is but a ruled out miscalculation of the wonders of the world and the complications & complexity of human beings.

He says, she says, you're a pretty little miss.

He says, she says, you're a smart wise kid.

He says, she says, you're a talented beast.

He says, she says, you have the skill and the wit.

He says, she says you have the will to make it big.

He says, she says you have the power of dreaming.

He says, she says you have the guts in aiming.

He says, she says you have the ability to be king.

You say, just as always, you're not beautiful

You say, just as always, you're not able

You say, just as always, you're not capable,

You say just as always, you're but average

You tell them otherwise,

Thou all the world connive

To keep that dream alive

It'll always be you who puts out the knife.

He says, she says, you're a winner.

You say, just as always, im a wiener

He says, she says, you can make it.

You say, just as always "I can't do it."

He says, she says, I believe in you.

You say, just as always, I'm not confident.

He says, she says, "That dream is yours."

You say, just as always, it's implausible.

When all the world chose to instill the best in you

You chose to be humble and let down a sigh.

When the entire crowd decided you're special

You decided it’s a lie and you're nothing.

When the entire world wanted to hone you

You wanted to rebel against & propel

When the universe started to realize you're amazing

You started to come against the flow

Why is it always a battle between self and others?

Why is it a challenge to realize self worth?

Why is it hard to accept what's foreseen?

Why is it that humans choose to let themselves down than believe in their selves and others perception?

Why are we born to deny ourselves of the idea of being good at something?

Why are we given the conscience and the capacity to weigh things?

Why are we so rude to ourselves than to others?

Why are we as intellectual beings chose to degrade our very own selves?

I have no anwers.

All I have are queries.

And this to my delight is what puzzled me on the evening of January 6^th, 2014.

.envelopedthoughts.

(unedited coz i feel lazy)

Cosmic Ideas~

I will never understand how this vast universe negotiates with the humans and the workers of the land.
With some pile of trash, some junk and cans i can never reckon how things come to one.
Nor how things may drift or float or disrupt.
As they stay afloat in its humble abode as i watch it slowly wither its way thru.


When things come together and the galaxies conspire
The aliens and the extraterrestrials humbly connive
To solely delve deep and swim thru the ocean of thoughts and yesteryears
To come to a halt and put an end in the questions of tomorrow and hereafter

And as the milky way recognizes its planets and souls
A little pluto is demoted, erased from infinite fame
And just like that humans discover and rediscover
And realize what is real and what is not.



.envelopedthought.
12.19.13

If only, coz I miss you.

Well I am feeling all sorts of things at the moment.
But to be honest, Im writing coz I miss you.



I miss you and your smile.
I miss you and your jokes.
I miss you and your antics.
I miss you and I.


I miss your texts.
Your tweets and your vents.
I miss us being one and the same.
I miss us being stuck with each other,


I miss us staying late at night.
I miss us comforting each other.
I miss us being each others boyfriends.
I miss us, I miss us.


I miss you and your wit.
I miss you and your depth.
I miss you and your words.
I miss you and the compliments.


I miss you being here.
I miss you and your presence.
I miss you and your eyes.
I miss you and I miss you true.


I miss you.
I wanna talk again.
I wanna sing again.
I wanna smile with you again.


If only I could mend all that's crazy wild in the world.
If only I could recover all the piece that have been broken.
If only I could get a time machine and relive each day.
If only I could give the world just to alleviate all that's hurting.

If only I could turn those tears to dust.
If only I could turn that confusion to magic.
If only I could produce a breed of those creatures.
If only I could nurse you and comfort you.


I would..
I would sail through the deep just to hold you.
I would cross the ocean just to see that smile again.
I would delve down that deep abyss just to reach you.



If only I could.
If only.
Coz I would..
And so I miss you..



I dont know how,
I dont know where.
I dont know how things will be greater.
I dont know.


But I hope it all turns around and so I can see that smile again.




12.05.13

Young and Naive~

In flashbacks and glances
In sickness or in silence
In a mere blink of an eye
You've gotten me high

Through thick and thin
In hiding and lying.
In foolish escapes
Of smiles and waves

It was young and naive~
crazed and unimagined,
it was totally wrecking yet worth it,
that no one else may seem to beat.

It was uncalled for
And everyone seemed to want more.
It was fast paced and untangible
It was intoxicating and worth the fall~

It was all fake and never real.

It was child's play up the hill, 

To a neverland of no beginnings,

senseless with no happy endings.

It was never felt

Nor did I ever dealt

It was a game

And I felt lame

It was never decent

And you're left bent

Entangled by the past

With memories that seemed to last

Trapped in a sea of nothingness
In a space full of emptiness
In a world of empty solace
Of the grief and cunning faces

And would I ever forbid
To long just to bid
A good bye to what has been
And hello to what may beam.


So alas.... idk what. But.



1.09am.11.25.13

R.I.P First Ones~

So this is a post about me ranting how i deleted something i wrote with all conviction and might, not to mention my eyes that were a bit puffy and watery whilst I was typing words.

Idk. No matter how hard I try to delve deeper I can no longer find the right words to render what I've deleted "alive".

It is dead. And its rather wrong to try to revive something that's of the past.

Maybe that's what  it's all about really.

To forget the past,
let go of all that's holding you back,
forgive and live,
then take a step and move forward.

It's time to let go of what's not to be.
It's time to bid farewell of the land of what if's
Time to permit one's self to live for the future
To "what could be's"and realize what's in store.

The past is always a great place to come back to,
never to dwell in nor be imprisoned in.
Its this sacred sanctuary of holding thoughts so dear,
but never jailed by the emotions that settled in.

Its always great to live passed one moment in life.
To know you have surpassed something so enduring.
Its great to look back and laugh at such memories.
But then again, 1,2,3 seconds that may suffice.

We are free to seek and think
              free to grasp each loving ideal
              free to treasure each fancy
              free to let go and let live and new day.

R.I.P to the firsts of yesterday's dreams
to the daydreaming and hoping.
R.I.P to the first ones.
To one that may never be~



11.9.13

The end game.

Shed tears never turn to dust.
It builds dreams and make them come true.
Sweat and finite hours of exhaustion,
may sound dreary but adds up to success.

To the number of times you've forgotten to eat,
to the tiresome moments of climbing up and down the stairs,
to the endless lines and stressful procedures,
and the number of times you've been bankrupted...

The first end has bid us hello.
And I know for fact, we have done well.
Uncertainty may always haunt us,
thou I know, this semester He has never failed me.

I set sail to an ocean of wide opportunities.
 Never knowing what may lie ahead.
I set my mind on a course
I never thought would be treacherous

But now the first has ended.
I have not finished the race,
Thou there'll always be a promise of tomorrow.
Of completion and a new beginning.

I have tried  my best,
and with all my luck tried to reach the end.
I have failed, thou not entirely.
Beckoning the age of better days, I stand unrattled.

I am waiting for tomorrow.
For a chance to prove myself.
Not just of the world, but to Him and myself.
That I can conquer this battle.

For this warrior never stops
Until the fight is over.
Those shed tears and endless rants will be my weapon.
Coz tomorrow, I WILL FINISH.


19.40. 10.10.13

Knackered & Jaded~

When words cannot strongly suffice the heart's longing,
the emotion sets in & the being lays knackered.

With questions made to and fro,
unimaginable consequences overpower.
It is right to take grasp,
To answer & catch every bit of certainty in the universe.

But what again is it that bedazzles this creature?
A word she would not utter not try to speak of.
A fantasy she dreams of cutting off,
Yet in reality, she longs of a fairytale.

Why would she in a million years run away?
Because she fears extinction.
Not of her race but for her well being.
For that something she has always caged within.

She refuses to enter the portals
For when she takes a step
She'd take a leap of faith
& drown in a pool of mess

She stays unamused yet enthralled
By the idea of knowing what "it" may seem to be
She remains in her corner, hoping.
That one day perhaps...

all her convictions will turn to ash forgotten for life & changed to something worthwhile.


18.27. 10.10.13.