turning a new leaf

what does turning a new leaf mean?
will it mean actual change?
or will it go gradually?
few days has passed and i feel anxious

i've never felt so anxious for such a long time
it feels as though pressure has been thrown right at me
something no one has ever given me
but myself

they say timelines dont matter
but maybe just sometimes
when we actually think that it doesnt
we tend to forget

to forget that we should actually plan
for the days that will come by
for the month that will actually pass by swiftly
for years that you never thought will come

but actually, its nearer than you ever thought it would be
i am faced by this consequence
a consequence i knew i needed to face in time
but what does anyone need to ever be prepared?

i have questioned myself a thousand times
ive thrown questions here and there
but it just seems like a one way street
so many questions and yet not one single one answered

its deafening
its just like a one sided whirlwind of thoughts
im stuck in this limbo
i dont know when i'll ever leave

im so clueless,
i dont even know what to do
i dont even know where to start
what i know is just the now

how does one turn a new leaf?

crossroads.

i was always that kid who never wanted to grow up,
not because my childhood was never great
i just wanted to savor every moment of it
being young felt like a passport to do all things without much to think about

looking back and reading prose from recent years
I realized i was growing up and i was struggling
i was struggling to joggle a new life that's set before me
i lost track of my passion and i lost time for myself

i forgot how it was to actually feel passion burning from deep within
i forgot how it was to take in something and live in the moment
i forgot how it was to actually feel like a kid without any responsibilities
i forgot to live, and to actually be in that moment.

maybe i was right,
i never really wanted to grow up.
but would do i do?
i can never take all the years back.

we were never meant to age backwards.
we were always meant to keep moving forward
to stop and enjoy breaks
but continue to strive and go further

its always great to look back and remember old memories
i will never forget the little prince and his friend the fox
nor will i ever forget the elephant and the boa constrictor
time is only relevant, to age is inevitable

we can always come back and enjoy the old days
the feeling it brought and the happiness that once stayed
but its always a great thing to look forward to what lies ahead
to the journey that awaits

growing up will never ever be easy.
i just have to stand tall and believe
that i can conquer tomorrow, one step a time.

because i may always regret not being a kid again,
but i will always be that kid with big dreams.
and right now, right here...
i'm bound to achieve those goals, just wait and see.



040219.11.40pm

Wasting Youth~

And just so suddenly I decided to close my eyes that share a window to the world I found myself deep into the ocean Staring blankly into my own reflection A person I have always come to know But she seems different from when I last saw her She’s looks much wiser but looking deeper into her eyes You can see desperation and frustration Of untangled dreams that seem far to reach Looking into her I realize she’s slowly growing old Never yet realizing her dreams and goals Her mind is focused on but one undertaking A venture that has enslaved her for years Step, step, barefoot on the beach, She would always dream about a sunny day Where she’d get sunkissed while listening to music On a fairly nice holiday away from the city buzz Ring, ring, its 1 o’clock She would always dream to wake up in the afternoon Even just for once in her life To know that she’s at least a human and deserves a bit more rest Swish, swish, she pulls her suitcase She would always dream to fly from one country or place to another Even just to savor the moment And pretend that all the world’s but a destination she can easily reach Brrr, brrr, she awakens from her realization That all these are just dreams And here she is, wasting away her youth In four cornered walls, her life slips away~ 101018 Church. 9:06pm

tic tac

Tic tac,
Its like your life passes by
Before your very eyes

Tic tac,
Its like time running out
As you stay in one corner

Tic tac,
Its like having the world count on you
Tic tac,
But never really having anyone to count on

Tic tac,
Its like digesting everyone's meal
Tic tac,
And expecting to take it all out as well

Tic tac,
Its like things wont run smoothly
Tic tac,
Without you. Without you.

Tic tac,
Its as if everyone's lives depended on you
Tic tac,
Its like putting the world on your shoulders

Tic tac,
Its like finding someone
Tic tac,
To finally lay the burden on

Tic tac,
Its hoping this wont take a while anymore
Tic tac,
Its what keeps me going

Tic tac,
To know that time runs fast
Tic tac,
However slow it feels like

Tic tac,
I'll let the hands move
Tic tac,
Just as it slowly diverts attention

Tic tac,
Not on me
Tic tac,
But on to another

Tic tac,
And so the clock moves
Tic tac,
And though youth passes by

Another youth becomes adult.
To pass on a lifetime of work.
To pass on all that's giving bondage
To finally live a life

Free of worries
Free of deadlines
Free of responsibilities
Of others.


10:30AM
122116

Hope

Tarry a little while
These four cornered walls
They seem to sophocate
Slowly, its like an echoing silence

Drowning you into an infinite mess
Of chaos and distraction
You keep your eye on the price
And your head focused

But it lingers
Grasping your skin till it hurts
Till it hurts,
And till you wake

This is not a dream
And that's when it sinks in deep
This is not a dream
Its reality waiting to uncover

This is not a dream
And I wish it was
This is not a dream
How can this be real?

This is not a dream
How I wish fairytales were real
This is not a dream
But I still strongly hope

That one day soon
I'll wake up
Tears turn to dust
Clinging on to hope

That one day, the present would only be just a dream.


 9:58AM
122116

Dentista.

Funny how I started this page as a student A student with high hopes and dreams. A student with a passion to share her thoughts through bits of fragmented words and phrases. Its been years, and finallu I pushed through. It was a long journey, But it was all worth the wait. 8 months has passed since my first day at work Its been draining yet fulfilling. Nothing much has changed. Although I have less time to write..... And less time to explore the world and all its wonders Nevertheless I wanna prepare myself for the good life Its gonna be one heck of a ride and im gonna enjoy it :) Cheers for now! x 12:59pm March 14, 2016

Pen & Paper 📒✒

But what does writing really mean to you? Is it just a passing fancy, A past time, a hobby. Something you do when idle, or coerced by authority. But what does writing really mean to you? Is it a passion that rages within you, A phrase you cant contain. A longing for a pen and paper, endless scribbling that can go on forever. But what does writing really mean to you? Is it a path to take, A risk you'd make. Or a calling slowly dying, Amidst reality sinking deep within. Writing does not envy, It does not boast. Writing does not compete. Its something that keeps waiting until realized. Its that which flows deep in your veins Through every organ and system in your body. Its that which experiences real emotions Real people, real stories. Writing is freedom. For thoughts that are caged, Words unspoken, And ideas that just never seem to happen. And to me, writing is not giving up. On something so dear. Its holding close a gift so precious. And still bit by bit, hoping for a dream to be realized. 12:41pm 031416

holding on

The past 3 days have been topsy turvy, it seemed like the rollercoaster ride we have been for the past six years is finally going to a pit stop, a halt. Funny thing is, we got stuck on the high part, its like were hanging on to the safety rails with our seatbelts on, staring down the world below us. We scream our hearts out, our fears and uncertainties, were afraid of falling or failing. But we hold to what‘s dear to us. We strongly believe that in just a few moments the ride of our lives will start moving once more. Never left out nor abandoned. Im still hanging on the rails at the moment. Still feeling the wind on my hair, the beauty of His creation... and as I grasp thy infinite hope, yesteryears flash back. Looking back to the moments of tears and joy, 6 years has gone by so swiftly. And now, as I hold on to the rails and see the world below, I stare blankly into space, into heaven. Coz I know the past 6 years have been fruitful. Coz He had made all things possible. And as I hang on today, I shall keep on believing on His promise. That He is with me on this journey. And never shall I fear once more, nor will I ever question what‘s to happen. Cause He had made all things possible, that tomorrow may actually be great cause He is in control. You know what‘s crazy? Its that without knowing, the stop on the high slopes is actually the best part, its when your heart beats fast, your blood creeps up and down and you remember you‘re actually alive coz these things never happen always, the tremble you feel and the nervousness its the most real you‘ll ever feel. So what‘s left to know? Its to believe in His promise, that ‘it is done and so we shall not fear.‘ To let go and let loose, for the next part of the ride is the greatest, the fastest ride we can ever have towards the finish line is soon to happen. I was doing something a while ago and a sudden thought of writing came to me. later on i heard this phrase being whispered to me, “how are you my child? stand tall and believe for i have made the impossible happen.“ I dont actually know if its just my conscious mind saying this but, i strongly believe the Lord God is saying something. So how are you my dear friend? lets keep the faith for this roller coaster ride will totally be awesome coz He is in charge, keep the faith, were landing soon and yes, it is done!!! 8.57pm. 050815

Dreams & Detours~

Truth is, I wasn't just given a dream.
I developed it myself.


Or maybe I wasn't.


I grew up learning each day that I opt to be "something"I have always knew I wanted to be.
While others contemplate and rationalize things I have always been stuck with one choice.
In high school, when others would weigh what they're good at and compare it with their would-be-courses I stay in my own lil' corner and aspire.
Coz I have always known what I wanted to be.

I was inspired to be what I wanted to be.
I was dazzled in amazement by the complexities of human teeth.
My high school batchmates could attest to that.
I have always opted to choose where I am today.

To realize that I am now a few steps closer to that dream is an achievement.
To know that 5 years will soon come to end,
To strive & let live all the tension, stress and acads explosions,
To believe that in a few months time, I shall graduate.

But what's next?


I wasn't given a dream.
I am striving to achieve it.
I wasn't given an illusion.
I plan to build my own future.


Coz when you build your own dream you realize,
that you deserve to have your own future.
And as the thought of how tough those years have been,
you refuse to stay blinded.


Tomorrow is a long way ahead.
I dont know what lies in the path that awaits,
but I am positive, a detour shall soon rise.
The road is under construction..


but let the good times roll.
Drive into the future. It shall seem great.


030914

Growing up.

I dont know, I just dont feel fine.
And I just want comfort and someone who can listen.
I just wanna explode and let it all flow.
I just wanna say things, coz it feels that I dont have the right anymore.

When people try to decide for yourself, you lose your voice.
You tend to realize that everything in your future is no longer yours.
That everything that's true now is no longer real.
And all your plans suddenly flourish in one blink.

You smile in pretension and feel so bipolar.
And when the world seem to crumble,
You pray that someone will notice.
Coz your strong, and no one should know.

But you arent. You're a ticking time bomb.
And all it takes is a call from your mom.
When even her voice wont seem to comfort you.
You miss your homeland and your friends.

You miss the times when everything depends on you.
When you wont think about what to do tomorrow or the summer break.
You realize you cant do anything about it.
Coz your chained, no matter what it seems right.

Why cant it be bad.
Why does it feel so sad.
That even flyin' else where is a dilemma.
It just freakin hurts.

I wanna feel numb.
I wanna break free.
I wanna seek for things i want.
Not what others want.

I just..
I feel burdened.
And when your expectations fail you.
Dream a better dream.

Coz maybe just maybe, tomorrow your dream will be yours, truly.




030914.
:')

World Says~

What I am about to reveal now is but a ruled out miscalculation of the wonders of the world and the complications & complexity of human beings.

He says, she says, you're a pretty little miss.

He says, she says, you're a smart wise kid.

He says, she says, you're a talented beast.

He says, she says, you have the skill and the wit.

He says, she says you have the will to make it big.

He says, she says you have the power of dreaming.

He says, she says you have the guts in aiming.

He says, she says you have the ability to be king.

You say, just as always, you're not beautiful

You say, just as always, you're not able

You say, just as always, you're not capable,

You say just as always, you're but average

You tell them otherwise,

Thou all the world connive

To keep that dream alive

It'll always be you who puts out the knife.

He says, she says, you're a winner.

You say, just as always, im a wiener

He says, she says, you can make it.

You say, just as always "I can't do it."

He says, she says, I believe in you.

You say, just as always, I'm not confident.

He says, she says, "That dream is yours."

You say, just as always, it's implausible.

When all the world chose to instill the best in you

You chose to be humble and let down a sigh.

When the entire crowd decided you're special

You decided it’s a lie and you're nothing.

When the entire world wanted to hone you

You wanted to rebel against & propel

When the universe started to realize you're amazing

You started to come against the flow

Why is it always a battle between self and others?

Why is it a challenge to realize self worth?

Why is it hard to accept what's foreseen?

Why is it that humans choose to let themselves down than believe in their selves and others perception?

Why are we born to deny ourselves of the idea of being good at something?

Why are we given the conscience and the capacity to weigh things?

Why are we so rude to ourselves than to others?

Why are we as intellectual beings chose to degrade our very own selves?

I have no anwers.

All I have are queries.

And this to my delight is what puzzled me on the evening of January 6^th, 2014.

.envelopedthoughts.

(unedited coz i feel lazy)

The end game.

Shed tears never turn to dust.
It builds dreams and make them come true.
Sweat and finite hours of exhaustion,
may sound dreary but adds up to success.

To the number of times you've forgotten to eat,
to the tiresome moments of climbing up and down the stairs,
to the endless lines and stressful procedures,
and the number of times you've been bankrupted...

The first end has bid us hello.
And I know for fact, we have done well.
Uncertainty may always haunt us,
thou I know, this semester He has never failed me.

I set sail to an ocean of wide opportunities.
 Never knowing what may lie ahead.
I set my mind on a course
I never thought would be treacherous

But now the first has ended.
I have not finished the race,
Thou there'll always be a promise of tomorrow.
Of completion and a new beginning.

I have tried  my best,
and with all my luck tried to reach the end.
I have failed, thou not entirely.
Beckoning the age of better days, I stand unrattled.

I am waiting for tomorrow.
For a chance to prove myself.
Not just of the world, but to Him and myself.
That I can conquer this battle.

For this warrior never stops
Until the fight is over.
Those shed tears and endless rants will be my weapon.
Coz tomorrow, I WILL FINISH.


19.40. 10.10.13

Patience & Patients~

Hi there!

          Its my first journal for this semester & school year.
       Many things have happened, many things have changed.
     The earth's motion started with different schedules,
                                                       different people,
                                                       and most possible a new environment.

Change was sudden, I should have long been prepared. And so it starts...

I carve a face on my oh-so-busy mind
And flip! My thoughts jumble, my words jump.
I kept thinking hard lately
And I cant believe it'll possibly even be more challenging

People run a jolt, they come and go
With written scribbles & laughs in exchange
I developed fondness for a person & a stranger
As weird as it may seem I have liked what it felt

To be loved & be complimented
To feel a heart-warming desire
To feel fulfilled & adequate
To help & to be of service

I see the smiles on their faces
And the twinkle in their eyes
Their sweet gentle beaming
And their soft whisper "I am fine"

This is what I like to do.
And I tell myself most often,
I wanna be of service
For people who dig thru the sands of time

For the masses who have long waited
To restore a huge grin
To laugh genuinely
To feel accepted

The "thank you's" are all rewards
To hear that is music in my ears
I wanna feel this joy
I want this lasting feeling

Firsts are always scary
First are ultra challenges
But who cares?
We live and we learn...

& love the journey that awaits. ♥

DMD.
8.42pm. 6.27.13

Tolls Taken

“Hindi ka pa ba graduate?”

I get that a lot or most commonly these words,

                “Ilang years course mo?”

Sometimes I glance in blank space and wonder…

Next year my batch mates will be in their senior year, they’ll all prolly be busy with their research works, they’ll prance around job fairs & hunt for their graduation dresses…

Im far from seeking the words I’ve just said, I’m actually just beginning my stay in college. I am only half way through the path of which I will one day call my destiny.

I am nowhere near regretting & I don’t plan to do, well at least for now…

Sometimes a feeling of being left out comes to me, & suddenly feel fear in my system,

                                Telling me…

“They’ve all graduated, seeked for jobs, found their career & settled in”

While I’m still here, slowly passing, holding some instruments at hand, waiting for my professors to give out grades, pass or fail & make me wonder if I’ll ever triumph over all this.

They say life’s about taking chances, & yes I took a path I have learned to love since the beginning.

They say life’s never complete without trying so I guess I did took the right way & as the roads diverge my mind wonders off, as it trails across the trees of what ifs and what could have beens. But then I stop & jolt & look back.

Im still happier in the path of which I took.

I am continuing this adventure & no matter where it takes me,

To bums and bruises,

To tears and blood shut eyes,

To empty pockets and blank checks

I wont ever give up, so for now,

As they go up on stage

I shall admire the beauty,

The emcee’s delightful voice

The graduates cheerful sigh

I cant wait for my turn

That one day finally

I’ll hear the words,

CARULLO, Diane Belchez

A graduate, Batch 2015

Till then.

1-11-13

Written last year, finished this year, posted this year. Daz all :))

I am God's warrior.

They may say I'm a dreamer. <3

And I take pride with that.

Everyday I wake up and smile, knowing that waking up means another day closer to my dreams.

And as I wake up each day and aspire, I realize how lucky I am to be where I am.

I've always said I wanted to be a dentist, when someone asks me, hey, "What's your course?"

I breathe in and smile as I say the word "Dentistry".

I inhale & exhale, and as I look at the world in these rose tinted glasses of mine,

I become conscious of the trials that await every wanderer.

This battle goes and I walk trying to pick up the pieces of armor.

Obstacles come & in each combat a mighty warrior rises from the ashes.

But no one ever wins always, even legendary boxers & Alexander the great was defeated.

I've always wondered why we must go through tests, those silly things that make as say QUIT.

There were times when I just wanna sit in one corner and in retrospect recall every waking moment where I felt all the frustrations & the anguish.

And then as those tiny little droplets fall I fake a smile.

Claiming that tomorrow will be better.

I've always asked Him for help, but there were moments when I just wanna say, "Why can't He hear me?"

Tomorrow comes, rematch and I'm still the loser.

I can never phantom the words to say.

I just wanna scream & shout, "Why me? Why now? WHY?!"

Must I always end up torn & wounded?

One day I woke once more, taking in everything that had happened.

"Everything happens for a reason…"
 

Next day I went to battle, heart trembling as uncertainty conquers me.

"How in the world can I get up and rise when I'm way down?"

Then magic happens…

And alas… The Lord God has done it again.

I never thought He'd hear me, or at least not in that instance.

All I could say was, "THANK YOU LORD GOD, I LOVE YOU with all my heart, mind and soul."

As the song plays,

"Lord, I offer my life to you
Everything I've been through
Use it for your glory
Lord I offer my days to you
Lifting my praise to you
As a pleasing sacrifice
Lord I offer you my life"

He never fails to amaze me, whenever I'm weak He comforts me.

Whenever I'm weary, He hears my rants.

And whenever I tell Him my needs, He stuns me with His mercy & generosity. <3

Whenever you feel lie giving up, always remember, He hears You.
Whenever you feel like He has let you down, don't ever show that frown.
He hears you; He may just be waiting for the right time.
It may not be now, but soon, then You'll realize, He has far more greater things to give you than what you expect.

So what happens to a soldier who loses in battle?

He earns scars, battle wounds that will forever lay on his skin.

Something to remind us, that God is preparing us for the great combat, the hunger games perhaps.

For something far greater than our own minds can reach.

I must admit, whenever I look back and realize how I had gone through everything I realize, God is so great.

He has always been there for me. He has loved me far greater than anyone can ever will.

Despite my flaws, my weaknesses and my doubts.

Lord God, I promise to believe in the beauty of my dreams, by faith, I know I can always achieve them. Not by my own strength but with you as my armor in this battle. Lord God, thank you for the battle wounds, the only thing that reminds us of how you have trained us. Through my journey, I offer all the trials & accomplishments, make my life Your great testimony, use me for Your glory Lord God. <3

---Dr. Dee

9-26-12

Dreams & Reality

If dreaming was a crime, then I plead guilty.

For dreaming is an everyday habit, a lifeline, and probably my very best friend.

I believe that I am a dreamer, and a believer at the same time.

Dreaming is my only diversion from the harsh reality of this present world.

I dream of a fairy tale come true,
                      of love's sweetest kiss,
                              of a morning filled with joy and serenity
                                        and of thy longing of a happy ending.

If only dreams were real, then I would gladly love life, always.

But who am I to say such?

Life wasn't meant to be just full of bright lovely colors,
              it was made to be technicolor-ed, and somewhat gloomy, with the shadows were having.

Reality exists, we exist in reality.

We refuse to live a life full of chaos and confusion,
                   a day with hatred and regret,
                               and a night of endless tears and misery.

Reality exists, and I show utter disgust to the idea that it does.

Reality, is real.

No matter how hard I choose to escape, I always come back stranded, in my so called sea of dreams.

And as I awaken, I remember some fragments,

 of the dreams I've once had..

"A dream is wish, your heart makes."

And now as I gently close my eyes, I shall hear the cries of yesterday,
              of my heart gently beating,
                           asking its own desire,
                                        to live a life, I wish I had.

Dreams are real, they exist in reality.

For as dreamers, we make it real.

Reality may never be changed, but I can always bring to life, my dreams.

Dreams, a lifeline of which I take in all the days of my life.

It's what keeps me going, it's what keeps me moving forward to live my reality.

I may never replace reality with my own simple dreams,
            but I can always, bring joy and laughter to my reality through my dreams.


END.

DEEEEEE <3

24.1.12

I wanna be what I wanna be.

credits to zym villanueva for this photo

My name is Dee. A dent student at Centro Escolar University. I'm proud to say that I'm now a proper student because I've waited years for this.

Four years more till I become a dentist, perhaps...

Now I'll speak...

Nung bata ako gusto 'ko maging astronaut, maglakad sa buwan, tumalon talon at madama ang kasiyahan ng mga dati ng nakapunta dito..

Minsan ko ring naisip na maging Journalist at News Anchor sa T.V, adventure, parang ang saya nung feeling na asa harap ka ng camera para ipahayag sa tao ang mga totoong nangyayari sa mundo..

Teacher, tinitingala ko noon ang teacher 'ko nung Grade 2, napakabait nya at napakaamo ng kanyang ngiti.. Naalala ko pa nun sabi ko sa nanay ko, "Hindi po ako naghuhgas after humawak ng chalk kasi si teacher di naman po nag huhugas e.."Sumagot naman ang teacher ko na naghuhugas daw sya, hindi lang namin nakikita.. hmm.. Kahit sa mga simpleng bagay, una tayong natututo, kung hindi sa ating mga magulang, ay sa ating mga pangalawang nanay at tatay sa paaralan.. Ang mga guro ay nagsisilbing inspirasyon ng mga batang katulad ko..

SK Chairman, idol ko nun si Kuya Melvyn, kaya sabi ko paglaki ko, gagayahin ko sya.. Ngunit wala..Lawyer, sabi ni papa sakin nun, "Diane, mag abogado ka na lang!"Sagot ko naman sa kanya, "bakit naman? E ang hirap hirap kaya nun..""E kasi, sa lahat may rason ka, kita mo na yan.."Tawa na lang ako.. pero masaya yun kung iisipin.. Gaya na lamang ni Lolo Felix, the best!

Benta din yung Nursing nun.. Mag nurse ka kaya Diane?

Ayoko.. takot ako sa dugo..

Nakita ko yun banner.. Accountancy.. wala.. Wala akong alam sa MATH.

.SCQ, "Sigurado pag ako sumali dyan, sasabihin nila, tanggap ka na iha!"

Sus, yabang ko nung bata pa ako. lol. porke hilig 'kong paiyakin sarili ko..

Model, hindi. Mataba ako nun.

Beauty Queen, hindi, takot ako sa tao. Takot ako husgahan, takot ako sa hindi ko kilala..

Pambansang Iskolar, pinangarap ko mag U.P... Pero hindi nangyari.. Inisip ko na lang, will yun ni God..

Writer, Mass Comm. Grad.. Sabi ni tin "Magwriter ka na lang kaya? Para one day pagpunta ko ng bookstore at pagnakita ko libro mo.. Sasabihin 'ko, ui! Libro to ni yhan.." Oo, pinangarap ko rin 'to.. kaso takot ako sa kritisismo.. takot sa rejection. Tanong ko pa nga sa sarili ko, "ipapublish ko ba 'tong blog na 'to?"

Ngunit sa lahat ng 'to isa lang ang tumimbang ng higit..

Maging Dentista, ang saya siguro nun..Makakapag higanti na ako.. pero joke lang. :)Andami 'kong pangarap.. Pero ang gusto ko talaga sa lahat ay..

"to live up to the expectations of the people around me.."

Maraming tao ang naghihintay sa kung anong mararating mo sa buhay..Ako gusto ko maging DENTISTA.

 Anu man ang pangarap mo, isa lang ang masasabi ko.. pagbutihan mo, sapagkat, iyan na marahil ang pinakamalaking regalo na maibibigay mo sa sarili mo..

Mangarap ka, at abutin mo ang iyong nais.. :)

7.57pm

5.1.11.