turning a new leaf

what does turning a new leaf mean?
will it mean actual change?
or will it go gradually?
few days has passed and i feel anxious

i've never felt so anxious for such a long time
it feels as though pressure has been thrown right at me
something no one has ever given me
but myself

they say timelines dont matter
but maybe just sometimes
when we actually think that it doesnt
we tend to forget

to forget that we should actually plan
for the days that will come by
for the month that will actually pass by swiftly
for years that you never thought will come

but actually, its nearer than you ever thought it would be
i am faced by this consequence
a consequence i knew i needed to face in time
but what does anyone need to ever be prepared?

i have questioned myself a thousand times
ive thrown questions here and there
but it just seems like a one way street
so many questions and yet not one single one answered

its deafening
its just like a one sided whirlwind of thoughts
im stuck in this limbo
i dont know when i'll ever leave

im so clueless,
i dont even know what to do
i dont even know where to start
what i know is just the now

how does one turn a new leaf?

crossroads.

i was always that kid who never wanted to grow up,
not because my childhood was never great
i just wanted to savor every moment of it
being young felt like a passport to do all things without much to think about

looking back and reading prose from recent years
I realized i was growing up and i was struggling
i was struggling to joggle a new life that's set before me
i lost track of my passion and i lost time for myself

i forgot how it was to actually feel passion burning from deep within
i forgot how it was to take in something and live in the moment
i forgot how it was to actually feel like a kid without any responsibilities
i forgot to live, and to actually be in that moment.

maybe i was right,
i never really wanted to grow up.
but would do i do?
i can never take all the years back.

we were never meant to age backwards.
we were always meant to keep moving forward
to stop and enjoy breaks
but continue to strive and go further

its always great to look back and remember old memories
i will never forget the little prince and his friend the fox
nor will i ever forget the elephant and the boa constrictor
time is only relevant, to age is inevitable

we can always come back and enjoy the old days
the feeling it brought and the happiness that once stayed
but its always a great thing to look forward to what lies ahead
to the journey that awaits

growing up will never ever be easy.
i just have to stand tall and believe
that i can conquer tomorrow, one step a time.

because i may always regret not being a kid again,
but i will always be that kid with big dreams.
and right now, right here...
i'm bound to achieve those goals, just wait and see.



040219.11.40pm

growing up

My thoughts have long been filled with unending errands and ideas that run a jolt I have long been contemplating of writing and going back to my core That alone time of just simply being quiet Longing to reminisce and bask in life's wonders Working has put me in a four cornered cage Trapped within four walls, it feels like confinement. My thoughts no longer free to run wild. I miss long walks and just staring at the sky Looking at tall buildings, wondering how long it took to build them Life outside this four cornered stall continued to flourish Whether I got to be there for it or not Trees got taller, kids grew bigger Some places no longer what they used to be And these pages I write on, they're fresh As if waiting to be written on Life continues moving Whether you participate or not Whether this notebook remains empty or filled Gone are the days of frolic and idleness I wish I can fill these pages again Ooze with some inspiration And jot down nonstop Which I once did Its true, things change And so does circumstance I wonder if things ever go back to normal Or maybe this is really just part of growing up? enveloped thoughts. 071818.11:09pm

The thoughts of an 18 going on NINETEEN.

I am 19 and I'm feeling ancient.

I am 18, borderline of innocence & maturity.

I am 18, filled with optimism & dreams.

I am 18, a little doubltful but ready to reach my dreams.

I am 18, & still stuck in my Neverland...

          but soon,

                    turning 19

19, the year of truth

     the year to make things right.

     the last year of teenhood.

     & the year to transform myself bit by bit unto being an adult.

I am 19, soon to end my adolescence

I am 19, filled with hope & the will to make it big.

I am 19, uncertain but making those tiny steps towards my goal in life

I am 19, still missing my mother's hand & my father's sermons

I am 19, & a little stunned with this new world...

          but soon,

                    I'll be prancing around willing to move forward.

As the great Morrie Schwartz has said,

      "All younger people should know something. If you're always battling against getting older you're always going to be unhappy, because it will happen anyhow."

I am ready to take that step towars maturity, to look back & not dwell in it, I am 19 never will I be 18 again.

Last year has passed so swiftly & I take pride in all the joys & sorrows.

Thank You Lord God for everything. ♥

     "Because if you've found meaning in your life, you don't want to go back. YOU WANT TO GO FORWARD. You want to see more. You can't wait until sixty five."

I AM READY.

I always come back stranded in my sea of dreams.

I've grown up..

I don't remember wishing so.. but I guess I did, a few times back when I was still younger than I was today..

I don't wanna grow up, really..

I wanna be like peter pan, the child who never grows old back in Neverland..

How I wish I can stay in a storybook, so that I'll remain a lil' girl like Alice and have superb adventures in Wonderland.. over and over again..

Too bad though, no matter how hard I've tried..

I always come back stranded in my sea of dreams..

I find myself in front of the mirror, staring at myself, looking at my dark brown eyes, my round face, and my straight black hair..

I'll never be too old for the saying "I wish I was a child again.."

But then again, how many times should I wish to do so?..

For all the times I did, I lost track of what I was doing..
I forgot to cease the moment.. to enjoy life as a kid while I still am.. Cause I was too busy wishing I could still bring my childhood back..

I am young, still young..

and I wish I could enjoy my life a s it is..

I remember one great saying back when I was in HS,
"No one is ever satisfied or contented with his/her life."

We keep on wishing on stars & comets and we keep on praying for something better, that we always forget about what we have.

Let's enjoy what we have now..

I am young, still young..

And I wanna live life as happy as playing house when I was a kid. I wanna love like that fake wedding with my playmate. And I wanna laugh endlessly, like when I was playing piggy back rides with my kuya and papa..

I wanna scream and shout like when I was playing hide and seek with my friends,

I wanna jump and hop, like playing piko, jumping rope and Chinese garter.

But most of all..

while I'm still young..

I wanna stay sweet and nice to my mamaand papa..

Like when my papa would carry me on his back and when I still go to church with my mama..

I know I can still be their lil' angel..

I may have grown up..

to be perhaps, a young lady,

but still, i don't want my childhood days to be but a pigment of my imagination someday..

I want it to be real and imaginable..

I don't wanna let go of my childhood really.. but as I end this,

I bid good bye to my dream of being a child again, but say hello, to a continuation in my reality..

I wish the lil' prince was here to give me some advice. T_T

-2 nights till the end of my summer.
9.6.11. sleep.

hold my hand, make me feel safe, mom.

I miss my mama holding my hand..

It's that feeling of security, cause you know she's always there to protect you.
It's that feeling of delight, cause her warm hand makes you feel comfortable...

Saw a little boy climbing the stairs with his mama.. Made me miss the times when I held my mother's hand and felt so much at ease..

I miss the feeling of anger and being annoyed, whenever she seems so over protective.
I miss the time when I fell down and wounded my knees..
I miss my mama caring for me..

But everything changes..
Feels good to be a child once again..

Everything seemed to irritate me before, I wanted ti shout out loud, and say "Hey, I'm 10, you need not scold me." I can't imagine I'm missing the lectures, the everyday 'sermon'.

Time has passed..
Now, I can just hold on to all these memories..

I miss my mama, holding my hand and blowing gently that insect caught in my eye..
I miss her loud voice saying "Stop going up that hill!"
I miss the old times..

and never can it happen again..

All I've got are fragments, half of the story and half the feeling.

I miss my mama giving me all her attention..

but the earth goes round..and I'm weary..

A simple text warms my heart, specially when I read "jeje" on it..

She no longer scolds me and never is she strict now..

I guess that's the price of growing up..
You're free to do the things you can never do before.. with the absence of someone mandating your every move..

I wanna hold your hand again.. And feel the warmth, I wanna feel secured once more..

I promise I won't hesitate..

Cause I miss holding your hand..

-lrt train ride. 7.26.11 2.56