enveloped thoughts entry 1

 Marriage is hard. Its the venture of two souls, two minds and getting into things you used to not do. Its nerve wracking, and its pretty much these set of thingamajigs which you never thought you'd process all at the same time and every thing just keeps being thrown at you piece by piece and you cant do anything but accept the things that come.

Im not saying what im going through is tough as heck, cause i know this is just the tip of the iceberg for some. But i know what im feeling is pretty much valid, and i hope no one invalidates me for this. But its just hard. I knew from the start new things rattle me, but I didnt know it was this hard. And im doing all these things alone, and im pretty much indistress. And its not that its intended to be such, it just was always been the situation from the start.

And im writing this just to put out all these things piling up in this brain of mine cause I swear, these is becoming too much to handle for me.

And im just trying so hard to get my message thru but im just always stuck at something and i cant get thru. Ive always lived life alone never needing anyone or at least try to suffice and learn to do things on my own but its just that sometimes you need people to actually help you thru the process of stuff, but I dont want to burden anyone with it. Its that time when I want my mama with me again to help me get passed this and hold my hand and help me with every step.

No one ever said it would be this hard. And im only just beginning. Baby steps.

and some one to hold my hand so i can get through...

someday, soon.

06.22.21

12:17am

Hello there

 Its been so long.

This will not even have flowery words,

nor will it have any idiomatic expressions.

I just wanna vent out.

My mind is circling once again

To and fro

I have this one thought in my head

I can never forget.

Why does life keep wanting you to give

When you dont even have enough for yourself

How do you continue to fight and live

When they dont even understand you

It sucks.

And its excruciating.

I havent felt this way in forever.

Its like everything’s just sinking in.

...why does it have to be this way.

I wanna walk and have wings of my own.

But its like everytime i try my wings get cut off

Its like trying to shut me down.

And it just keeps pulling me down.

Im not even on ground zero yet

But it sure heck hurts and stings

Down to the core

Someday I will have my own wings

Someday I will fly high.

Someday I will have enough

Someday I will build my dreams.

One step at a time.

No matter how hard.

No matter the nay sayers.

No matter what.

An open letter to all my friends.

Its always lovely to reminisce old memories,
Friends you have found along your journey
Photosnaps you’d wish to go back to
Moments you wish stayed forever

But everything in this world is fleeting
We grow each day
Further from who we were yesterday
Never really a new person, but better

We cant stay stationary
Just like how the earth always revolves
Life is fast phased
And we have to keep up with it

Im just happy I get a chance to recollect
Some thoughts, some emotion
Of the things that happened,
Of bonds that were created

We mature and we change
Most folks stay
They stay but its never the same way sometimes
Interests and topics go by

Leaving everyone with just memories
Of what had beens and what might have been.
What had happened and what was supposed to happen
Had you stayed stationary.

As we grow we collect friends a long the way
Good and bad, long and short term
Memories of them will stay
Sometimes a little blurry others so vivid

Guess this post is for all the friends I’ve met
Along this long and winding journey called life
I may not always be there
To laugh and to talk with

Because life has not been made stationary
We tend to walk the whole earth
And meet people along the way
We tend to get caught up by the present

But we will never forget the past
Of the hype of emotions
The wave of thoughts
And the unending stories

It will forever be etched in my heart
Something I’ll reminisce in times like tonight
Memories of when we used to talk
Moments of fun and sadness

I may not always be there at all times
But im always a friend.
I may pop up once in a while
But i’ll forever be here.

Just not always, like before
But here infinitely when you need me
Just call my name
Or just pop up randomly in my mind

Expect I’ll drop a message
Maybe say hi,
And likely, try to reminisce some memries
Of yesteryears, or of the present

Im sorry for not always being there
Im sorry for unanswered messages
But im happy, you’re happy
Im happy life has been good and swell.

I love you, i miss you.


your friend.

first love.

you will always be a wonderful memory.
a memory i’d go back to
of flashbacks and reminiscing.

a history of that what if
of a smile i’d paint when i think of you
just remembering the old days

but never going back to it
just a recollection of thoughts
untainted and unharmed.

just a glance of rose tinted glasses
and how the world looks like
in the eyes of one in love.

why.

Why do I feel like crying,
Why does this feel the most real.
Why do I feel a void
Why does this constant thought bother me.

And it sucks to pretend that everything is good.
That everything will actually be fine
Cause in the end you’re still bothered
Can I just ingest liters of endorphine

Or maybe just inject anesthetic solutions
But I actually feel a bit numb already
Is this how it actually feels?
Well it sucks.

It sucks to the deepest core.
Like I just wanna binge eat or ingest everything that’s thrown at me.
I just want answers.
I just want to fill this void inside me.

It just sucks.

11.2.19

roha love~

I learned that when you give love, it bounces back to you and multiplies a thousand folds.

Its been 3 months since I first set foot on this new world, its quite different to me, I got a bit culture shocked if you ask me, but everything seemed so welcoming and homey.

Its been a month since I stumbled upon people on stan twt that made me open an account of my own. At first it was lonely, looking at that "0 followers" actually suck, it was a new slate, a new world, a new dimension. Everyone was pretty much acquainted. And it was lovely seeing convos go from bias talks to life talks. It felt warm. I wondered how I'll survive in this new world.

Entering a new fandom different from my old fandoms made me feel like fish out of water. I wondered how I'll survive. There were also lots of new terms and not to mention lots of new things to learn? I never knew fangirling could be another level of complicated? But the complications make you prove your love for the boys and this fandom in general. If you're wondering what those complications are, well, those are the hanguls and many instructions for fancafe and voting thingamajigs. haha

But it was also in AAA that I tolerated myself to make a stan twt. I wanted to make another account that could vote for the boys on AAA. Ended up using it and made it a stan twt. I tried to learn the ropes and to observe rohas and how they interacted. I butt in in a lot of convos cause I wanted to try to engage to people, it was fun. Rohas are so warm and friendly, they literally dont bite.

I have been a fangirl for as long as I can remember, I never knew that at this age I'd actually get to meet a whole new set of people. I still wake up everyday asking myself what I've been doing with my life recently, but darn, these boys make me do things I never knew I was ever capable of doing. Also these rohas, they are so lovable and genuine. I just wanna wrap them all and keep them in my pocket.

I ended up finding myself on stan twt 24/7. Aint that swell? I met loads of new moots and I love how they were all easy to get along with. I even met a literal twin. This fandom is growing on me so much, just as much as those 6 dorks who has invaded my life and my schedule in ways I can never explain to normal people.

Its been more than a month on stan twt and I cant believe I came here again just in time. What would have happened to me if I wasn't here? Would I have enjoyed just as much? Would I have gotten to watch starlight too? Please believe me when I say that Cha Eun Woo was beyond awesome, the night was perfect, but it got even more perfect knowing that I'd get to hang out with new friends too afterwards.

Meeting new people for the first time is startling, but rohas are so welcoming, it doesn't  feel like that at all. I love how we can go on and on about astro and the things we love. This love we culture for the boys spreads like wildfire, we cant contain it. We love the boys oh so much we'd do everything for them. And I love I found people with that same interest.

I'm literally making this post to relieve myself of all that's on my mind. I have loads more but I just wanna give a big shout out to all my moots. You have welcomed a baby roha into this fandom and I am forever thankful. I promise to support the boys and rohas for as long as I can.

THANK YOU <3


love,
dee x

Writing for my 6 stars 💫

I dont know if you feel this way too, but these 6 dorks,
       their smiles and laughter warm my heart a lot.
They have been my escape and my distraction for these past few months
Whenever I see videos of them, it feels like an escape
        and all your troubles just seem to fade away~

The way they sing You and Me makes my heart flutter
         Its like the feeling that they matter a lot to you
   but you matter a lot to them too.
Its that feeling of reciprocation 💞

They may not know you exist to love them,
         But you know they’re thankful for each and every
     ounce of love you shower them upon. 💝

The way they slowly paint smiles on their faces
         Makes me feel jitters
    And when you stare deep into their eyes
          You know its endgame

Their crazy antics make me laugh out loud in ways
         I never thought could touch my heart deeply,
     They make me forget about the world even in just
         a fraction of a second~

You came into my life as a distraction
        from this crazy chaos inside my brain,
     But dear love, I am happy.

I am happy the way I wake up and see updates
     The way you’d all always ask about rohas’ day and if we’ve eaten

Do you all know how much you mean to us?
     How much joy you give whenever you post individual selcas?
        And much more when you’re all together?
            It feels like bliss. ✨

We are happy whenever you are all happy.
     You all are our drug,
         Our medicine to all that’s not well and aching

Thank you for exisiting 💫
    You make us all go cray with just a mere blink of an eye
         Or a booty shake, or even just plain existing.

You all deserve so much love,
       You all are stars in our hearts that will forever be here till the end. 💘

You said you wanted to be our stars,
         And in a snap of a finger, you all entered our hearts
    Not knowing this will be the start of something beautiful 💜

It has been an awesome journey with these 6 dorks by my side
     and some rohas I have met just recently.

I love this new found happiness and I love all of you 💓

I wanna walk with you all,
   One step
       Two steps
           Three steps ✨💜


- your baby aroha, Dee 💫

turning a new leaf

what does turning a new leaf mean?
will it mean actual change?
or will it go gradually?
few days has passed and i feel anxious

i've never felt so anxious for such a long time
it feels as though pressure has been thrown right at me
something no one has ever given me
but myself

they say timelines dont matter
but maybe just sometimes
when we actually think that it doesnt
we tend to forget

to forget that we should actually plan
for the days that will come by
for the month that will actually pass by swiftly
for years that you never thought will come

but actually, its nearer than you ever thought it would be
i am faced by this consequence
a consequence i knew i needed to face in time
but what does anyone need to ever be prepared?

i have questioned myself a thousand times
ive thrown questions here and there
but it just seems like a one way street
so many questions and yet not one single one answered

its deafening
its just like a one sided whirlwind of thoughts
im stuck in this limbo
i dont know when i'll ever leave

im so clueless,
i dont even know what to do
i dont even know where to start
what i know is just the now

how does one turn a new leaf?

being alone

Deafening silence, sometimes I ought to surround myself with this
Just to let my heart and mind think
I miss those times when walking nourished my soul
When just pure lurking around inspired me

Those times when staring at falling leaves meant a new poem
When looking at children playing felt nostalgic
Capturing each moment seemed like writing stories that will infinitely last
Everything has gone by so fast and smoothly

I cant seem to keep up with this fast phased world
Sometimes I feel like I'm even losing who I was before
We live in this world where constant change is needed
I hate to say it, but most often, we conform

Maybe that's why ever so often,
I would choose to just sit still and wonder
Waiting for thoughts to come by
Those moments when being alone meant bliss

Being alone meant I could write something new
Being alone meant I could hear my own thoughts
Being alone meant joy to my soul
Being alone meant creativity could flow

Its awesome to wander around people,
To learn about them, to know who they are
But there's just this accomplishing feeling
When at the end of the day you belong to you.

You realize everything that's happened
And tap yourself in the back
Bliss. That only you yourself can give.
Maybe this is self worth.

What can do you do when a friend is heartbroken?

What do you do when a friend is heartbroken?

Perhaps tell her words that you think will ease her heart

Help her get some sweets or buy her ice cream to put her in glee

Comfort her with all your heart and hope it eases her soul

Or maybe just sit there with her as she vents her heart out

Words of wisdom or some love quotations will never ease a broken soul

Nor will a heartbreak soundtrack nor a sweet flick movie

What matters most is just to be there in that moment

So when she’s ready to break down you’ll let her fall and you’ll catch her

Unlike that guy who let her fall but unknowingly went by and took the nearest exit

Just be there for her

Words will never be enough

Just let her cry and all will get better in the end

I know words can never suffice and heal all that’s aching

But dear friend, just know were here

Its true what they say, boyfriends come and pass

But your real friends will always stay by your side and stick with you

I dont know what else to say

But cry it all out, let lose all that hatred and frustration

We will continue to listen

Up till you finally say

“Im better off without him

Im okay now”

Cheers girl! There’s someone out there for you

And we’ll all together continue to pray for that 🙏

12:27pm

Friends through Milestones~

I dont think Im ready to let go of this night just yet



Its moments like this when you realize you did something well in the past.

Its moments like this when you realize the universe never owed you anything but it gave you back an awesome gift.

Its moments like this when you realize you are blessed beyond compared.

Its moments like this when you realize these are friends for keeps and you ought to have them till infinite days of bliss, of ups and downs, in hope and in love.

Perhaps plans usually gets scrapped and cancelled because maybe were just destined to celebrate something beyond our years could ever think or imagine.

We were then young and naive, not knowing where life may lead us, but guess what?

Here we are slowly celebrating each others milestones....

I used to watch this on movies, but never did I realize that experiencing it first hand would be like riding a roller coaster ride.

Its like every snap of a picture is like a flashback of how it was in the yesteryears.

Of someone searching for love, and now of to marry the man of her dreams.

Of someone breaking to us an awesome news about her bundle of joy, making all of us legit titas and tito.

Its been an awesome journey, I cant wait to continue moving forward.

Distance or time maybe a hindrance but I know, this friendship shall last.

Till the last person marries.

Till the last person gets children.

Till the last person retires

Till the last person becomes a senior.

To more memories and more moments together.

Change is inevitable, but everything becomes bearable with friends by your side cheering you on and lending a helping hand.

10:20pm.




























From lecture halls, to CEU's clinics, to Manila hotel, to Manila hotel again, to our work places, to preceptor-ships, to annual conventions and to many more places and milestones, I'll continue to close my eyes and dream with you guys by my side. Thank you for making the past 10 years amazing <3

Love,
your maknae x

crossroads.

i was always that kid who never wanted to grow up,
not because my childhood was never great
i just wanted to savor every moment of it
being young felt like a passport to do all things without much to think about

looking back and reading prose from recent years
I realized i was growing up and i was struggling
i was struggling to joggle a new life that's set before me
i lost track of my passion and i lost time for myself

i forgot how it was to actually feel passion burning from deep within
i forgot how it was to take in something and live in the moment
i forgot how it was to actually feel like a kid without any responsibilities
i forgot to live, and to actually be in that moment.

maybe i was right,
i never really wanted to grow up.
but would do i do?
i can never take all the years back.

we were never meant to age backwards.
we were always meant to keep moving forward
to stop and enjoy breaks
but continue to strive and go further

its always great to look back and remember old memories
i will never forget the little prince and his friend the fox
nor will i ever forget the elephant and the boa constrictor
time is only relevant, to age is inevitable

we can always come back and enjoy the old days
the feeling it brought and the happiness that once stayed
but its always a great thing to look forward to what lies ahead
to the journey that awaits

growing up will never ever be easy.
i just have to stand tall and believe
that i can conquer tomorrow, one step a time.

because i may always regret not being a kid again,
but i will always be that kid with big dreams.
and right now, right here...
i'm bound to achieve those goals, just wait and see.



040219.11.40pm

growing up

My thoughts have long been filled with unending errands and ideas that run a jolt I have long been contemplating of writing and going back to my core That alone time of just simply being quiet Longing to reminisce and bask in life's wonders Working has put me in a four cornered cage Trapped within four walls, it feels like confinement. My thoughts no longer free to run wild. I miss long walks and just staring at the sky Looking at tall buildings, wondering how long it took to build them Life outside this four cornered stall continued to flourish Whether I got to be there for it or not Trees got taller, kids grew bigger Some places no longer what they used to be And these pages I write on, they're fresh As if waiting to be written on Life continues moving Whether you participate or not Whether this notebook remains empty or filled Gone are the days of frolic and idleness I wish I can fill these pages again Ooze with some inspiration And jot down nonstop Which I once did Its true, things change And so does circumstance I wonder if things ever go back to normal Or maybe this is really just part of growing up? enveloped thoughts. 071818.11:09pm

Untitled.

And once again I feel so agitated. I feel a whirlwind of emotions will soon come in frantic Tumultuous and chaotic I cannot seem to fathom All I can do is but to type and rant and speak thru words That I hope echoes to my deepest core Nothing to do but stare as the mind keeps on thinking and thinking It never stops, everything just seems to fast I wish it can all stop for a while To make time for breathing and contemplating For rest and some relaxation. To at least bring me back some sanity 🙈

Wasting Youth~

And just so suddenly I decided to close my eyes that share a window to the world I found myself deep into the ocean Staring blankly into my own reflection A person I have always come to know But she seems different from when I last saw her She’s looks much wiser but looking deeper into her eyes You can see desperation and frustration Of untangled dreams that seem far to reach Looking into her I realize she’s slowly growing old Never yet realizing her dreams and goals Her mind is focused on but one undertaking A venture that has enslaved her for years Step, step, barefoot on the beach, She would always dream about a sunny day Where she’d get sunkissed while listening to music On a fairly nice holiday away from the city buzz Ring, ring, its 1 o’clock She would always dream to wake up in the afternoon Even just for once in her life To know that she’s at least a human and deserves a bit more rest Swish, swish, she pulls her suitcase She would always dream to fly from one country or place to another Even just to savor the moment And pretend that all the world’s but a destination she can easily reach Brrr, brrr, she awakens from her realization That all these are just dreams And here she is, wasting away her youth In four cornered walls, her life slips away~ 101018 Church. 9:06pm

not living, rather just breathing.

Its like im a tight rope that people keep clinging on to Its sophocating I cant even phatom how i’ve been surviving for years and years Its draining, exhausting, but I’ve been bearing it Someone once told me, Aint it nice that people actually need you? But still, he told me that’s not it. You have to live your own life Not living the life others want you to Not living a life where others needs is first Not living a life where losing you is a waterloo Not living.. its simply not living, but rather compromising I’ve been meaning to look for the nearest exit But the tunnel just keeps on going on and on Its slowly weakening me to the core Tried to shout and cry in despair but to no avail I just wish someday things will be different I just wish someday i’ll find my own freedom A life I wish to live A life not caged by this four cornered walls To smell the flowers at daytime To breathe in the fresh air on a weekday To see how lovely the sunset is in summer And to experience life as told by many youngsters 💕 100118 Morning thoughts.

Para kay Kiko.

If only you knew how the world would be without you, If only you knew how those spaces in her hands would feel so empty If only you knew how big a void it would be to not have you here Maybe you'd stay Maybe you'll realize how big of a blessing you are Maybe you'll see how big of an impact you've made Perhaps it was too late Perhaps there were words never said Perhap it was meant to be left untold But we'll always wish for a comeback That one day you'll sing phrases And make new melodies and memories That one day you'll continue to strum and play Flash that big grin of yours And post witty stat ups on facebook Your life has touched many Though short you have lived well It may be the end of life But never the end for memories Forever entangled in our hearts Engraved with precious emotions Thank you for sharing your life Your songs, your frustrations and your joy The lyrics and melody will forever stay We wish you more love and happiness Our paths may no longer diverge in this lifetime But kudos kiko, you did well in this lifetime. - Dee 1.12pm 041318

alas onse ng gabi

alas onse ng gabi, nagbukas ng blog
h biglang pumasok sa utak mga salita
mga talata, mga ideya, mga parirala.

alas onse ng gabi, namimiss kita.
pilit iniisip ano marahil ang araw kung nariyan ka.
kung sa pagising may pag asang masulyapan ka.

alas onse ng gabi, patuloy na nagrerefresh ng inbox.
nagbabaka sakali baka may bagong mensahe.
mensaheng makakapagpatulog sa isip na ayaw magpahinga.

alas onse ng gabi, tila nangungulila.
sa isang ngiti, sa isang larawan.
sa isang tunog ng cellphone, sa isang boses na tila ketagal ng di narinig.

alas onse ng gabi, nagtatanong.
nagaalala, nagtataka.
ano na mga ba ang meron?

alas onse ng gabi, namimiss kita.
at patuloy akong magsusulat
nagbabakasakali na sa isang segundo, nariyan na.

alas onse ng gabi, namimiss kita.
kumusta kaya ang araw mo?
kumusta kaya ang trabaho mo?

alas onse ng gabi, namimiss kita.
alam kong namimiss mo rin ako
kunwari ka pa.

alas onse ng gabi, at malapit na mag 12.
pero lilipas na naman ang araw at hindi kita kausap.
baka sakali bukas pagising, may green na tuldok.

alas onse ng gabi, magpapalit araw na.
pinapanalangin pagising ko, may good morning na.
o kahit siguro good night.

alas onse ng gabi, dumating na si pinsan.
hahawiin ang nangingilid na luha.
at tatapusin ang tula.



04.03.18
11:32pm

live and love

And just like a flicker,
We're one day gone in this world.
Passing like folly
Never realizing we slowly drift away

Appreciate what's infront of you
Never let go of a moment
Seize the day
Embrace change

Treasure the memories
Live for the day
Live and love
Laugh often, cry a little

We never know when one's time is up
So live and love
Never forget to stop and enjoy the view
Just live and breathe

Life's meant to be lived not to be caged
Let go of the chains and the burdens
Seize the day,
Live and love till the end of time.

gold tears

solid gold tears,

if I were to say.

i love you.

though you'd always feel lacking

solid gold tears.

and so it freely falls

i love you.

and it gives me shivers how my eyes are so full with tears

solid gold tears

waiting to just freely unleash its power

i love you.

much more frequent than how the sun rises or the moon shines

solid gold tears

they slowly fall as I long for one sweet grace

i love you.

you creature you, i have loved you more than i myself could allow

solid gold tears

as I begin to ponder on memories

dont quit, dont give up.

you told me! you told me to never give up!

solid gold tears

as I slowly hold them back

you told me to hold on and we can make it. i've been holding on. but what's the commotion

solid gold tears.

just let it rot in my system.

i reckon i wont bear it if this tears linger for a while more.

 i love you.

can you hear me?

071517

8:39pm