I am God's warrior.

They may say I'm a dreamer. <3

And I take pride with that.

Everyday I wake up and smile, knowing that waking up means another day closer to my dreams.

And as I wake up each day and aspire, I realize how lucky I am to be where I am.

I've always said I wanted to be a dentist, when someone asks me, hey, "What's your course?"

I breathe in and smile as I say the word "Dentistry".

I inhale & exhale, and as I look at the world in these rose tinted glasses of mine,

I become conscious of the trials that await every wanderer.

This battle goes and I walk trying to pick up the pieces of armor.

Obstacles come & in each combat a mighty warrior rises from the ashes.

But no one ever wins always, even legendary boxers & Alexander the great was defeated.

I've always wondered why we must go through tests, those silly things that make as say QUIT.

There were times when I just wanna sit in one corner and in retrospect recall every waking moment where I felt all the frustrations & the anguish.

And then as those tiny little droplets fall I fake a smile.

Claiming that tomorrow will be better.

I've always asked Him for help, but there were moments when I just wanna say, "Why can't He hear me?"

Tomorrow comes, rematch and I'm still the loser.

I can never phantom the words to say.

I just wanna scream & shout, "Why me? Why now? WHY?!"

Must I always end up torn & wounded?

One day I woke once more, taking in everything that had happened.

"Everything happens for a reason…"
 

Next day I went to battle, heart trembling as uncertainty conquers me.

"How in the world can I get up and rise when I'm way down?"

Then magic happens…

And alas… The Lord God has done it again.

I never thought He'd hear me, or at least not in that instance.

All I could say was, "THANK YOU LORD GOD, I LOVE YOU with all my heart, mind and soul."

As the song plays,

"Lord, I offer my life to you
Everything I've been through
Use it for your glory
Lord I offer my days to you
Lifting my praise to you
As a pleasing sacrifice
Lord I offer you my life"

He never fails to amaze me, whenever I'm weak He comforts me.

Whenever I'm weary, He hears my rants.

And whenever I tell Him my needs, He stuns me with His mercy & generosity. <3

Whenever you feel lie giving up, always remember, He hears You.
Whenever you feel like He has let you down, don't ever show that frown.
He hears you; He may just be waiting for the right time.
It may not be now, but soon, then You'll realize, He has far more greater things to give you than what you expect.

So what happens to a soldier who loses in battle?

He earns scars, battle wounds that will forever lay on his skin.

Something to remind us, that God is preparing us for the great combat, the hunger games perhaps.

For something far greater than our own minds can reach.

I must admit, whenever I look back and realize how I had gone through everything I realize, God is so great.

He has always been there for me. He has loved me far greater than anyone can ever will.

Despite my flaws, my weaknesses and my doubts.

Lord God, I promise to believe in the beauty of my dreams, by faith, I know I can always achieve them. Not by my own strength but with you as my armor in this battle. Lord God, thank you for the battle wounds, the only thing that reminds us of how you have trained us. Through my journey, I offer all the trials & accomplishments, make my life Your great testimony, use me for Your glory Lord God. <3

---Dr. Dee

9-26-12

Struggles & fears.

As I type in words to this blog post,  droplets fall, and I draw near insanity.

I've been quite an expert in keeping all things locked up, sealed to perfection with a poker face to top it all up.

I am strong, I always tell myself that.
I am NOT weak.
I am good, I am better that good, supernatural things are upon me.

I am filled with optimism, with delight, with joy.
But as everyday goes, my spirit slowly crumbles...
And I am left hopeless & weary.

I am fighting through the uncertainty,
I am conquering all odds,
At least I am trying my very best.

But there's always that tiny "but" amidst all crisis.

Nothing seems to go well,
And I am left with nothing but queries.

"Bakit ganun? Bakit ganto?"

"Weren't I a good student?"

I'm doing my best, but still, it's all wrong.

I am struggling, fighting with all my heart

To reach my most awaited victory.

A victory, I presume will be worth it.

I fear that all this is but a sign,
to whether give up or choose another.
BUT NO, I know I CAN.

I just have to keep on believing
Trying, and learning.
So that maybe, just maybe...

One day I'll be triumphant.

--dee. 
7.12.12. 7.01

Conflict of interests.

I wonder how there can ever be trillions of people in this vast universe,
with only a you & a me.

I am what I am, and I can never change that.
I may have tried once, twice or so, but I know I cannot in a million years change who i am.
For you.

Blame games and plastic cups.
A glass of liquor and some pain killers.
Metaphors & similes used.

But inside of me,
no verb nor noun can can alleviate
all the infuriating thoughts that jolt.

You have taught me to be inferior.
I am an underdog.
And you are the peak.

I used to look up to you.
Bow down on every achievement.
I wanted to be like you.

Glad I didn't.
Now I feel ashamed.
You no longer even have to exist.

Of all the many strangers,
why must you be the one?
The one I will forever bare.

We all must carry our own cross.
But to this, I must say no.
I object, and  resist.

Bound by bonds I can never deny.
Yet barred by depths of hatred,
of disgust & arrogance.

I shall never say no to reconciliation
but as this goes,
I'll take it with me.

Cause once we were strangers.
But you never said hi.
And I was naive.

I don't understand all rules.
And you don't seem to like me.
So good bye.

To the bond between us.

-Dee
07-05-12
:)

It' kinda awesome when you have the will to write something, regardless of whether you have a something to write about in your mind.
Tic tac.. Splatter.
And the rain just started pouring.
Click, click. Press.
And im reblogging like crazy.

My minds kind of chaotic right now.
And even my heart could affirm to that.
Here we go again.
Flip flip. Toss & turn.

---------this will forever be left unfinished :(

Dreams & Reality

If dreaming was a crime, then I plead guilty.

For dreaming is an everyday habit, a lifeline, and probably my very best friend.

I believe that I am a dreamer, and a believer at the same time.

Dreaming is my only diversion from the harsh reality of this present world.

I dream of a fairy tale come true,
                      of love's sweetest kiss,
                              of a morning filled with joy and serenity
                                        and of thy longing of a happy ending.

If only dreams were real, then I would gladly love life, always.

But who am I to say such?

Life wasn't meant to be just full of bright lovely colors,
              it was made to be technicolor-ed, and somewhat gloomy, with the shadows were having.

Reality exists, we exist in reality.

We refuse to live a life full of chaos and confusion,
                   a day with hatred and regret,
                               and a night of endless tears and misery.

Reality exists, and I show utter disgust to the idea that it does.

Reality, is real.

No matter how hard I choose to escape, I always come back stranded, in my so called sea of dreams.

And as I awaken, I remember some fragments,

 of the dreams I've once had..

"A dream is wish, your heart makes."

And now as I gently close my eyes, I shall hear the cries of yesterday,
              of my heart gently beating,
                           asking its own desire,
                                        to live a life, I wish I had.

Dreams are real, they exist in reality.

For as dreamers, we make it real.

Reality may never be changed, but I can always bring to life, my dreams.

Dreams, a lifeline of which I take in all the days of my life.

It's what keeps me going, it's what keeps me moving forward to live my reality.

I may never replace reality with my own simple dreams,
            but I can always, bring joy and laughter to my reality through my dreams.


END.

DEEEEEE <3

24.1.12

Restless and weary

Staring at the ceiling making, friends with shadows...

Here I am again, the great procrastinator of all time, with her laptop open, and some thoughts to ponder on.

Within me is a confused being,

perhaps I don't have problems, as big as others have,

but still, these are problems, that I shall have to face, now, or never.

My brother told me, that we, teenagers, have lots and lots of problems to think about, but we never really realize that it's they, in their 20's that got those serious life problems that are more drastic. Come to think of it, they do.

When I was in HS, and even when i was a mere child in my elementary years, i would often stare into paranoia, thinking about the things in life that bothers me, but right now, thinking about those silly itsy bitsy problems I've had, I realized, those were tiny, compared to what I'm having now.

Often when I have problems, I would tell myself, "I can do this!"

Thinking that in the future, I'll tell myself that I've finally conquered and reigned over all the trials I've had in life.

Here I am again, facing a crossroad.

Its time again for me to choose,

what's right,

and what should be done.

I can't tell you right now what that is,

but I'm hoping, that deep inside my heart,

mind,

and soul,

is an answer, that's slowly whispering...

I'm hoping for an answer,

I am dying to know,

I just don't when I'll get the right one.

I don't know if it has been long said to me,

but maybe, just maybe, as I step out in my everyday,

I'll be closer to that answer.

My brother told me that when you reach 20, its that time of decision making, its that time when you'll choose who you'll be, and what you will become.

I wonder what may happen if i would have to choose at this moment, at this point in time...

Cause I'm thinking it's what's happening now.

I'm perplexed, and also in solace at the moment.

I've got thoughts lingering in the corners of my mind,

I'm a fugitive, and I refuse to go out and come clean.

I reckon yesterday was nothing but fun and laughter,

I wonder how it came to be such dreary and painful world.

Nostalgic.

All I can do is remember,

those smiles I've had,

those moments of frolic,

and that lovely awakening...

I'll just choose to be here for now, hoping that one day, I'll get an answer,

and that one day, everything, will be back, as it should be.

END.

crazy, goofy. wacko. jumbo mumbo words.

deeeeeee.

I wonder.

I wonder if I'm ever worth knowing.

If I'm ever worth mingling with.

If I'm ever worth being called as someone's friend.

I'm arrogant, and selfish.

I'm heartless and a fool.

I'm a robot, I have emotions, but I can't let it out.

I wonder if I'm ever worthy for some respect.

For some love

and for some attention.

I wonder if I'm ever worth their pain.

And if I'm ever worth the consequence.

I am just me.

Selfless.

Immature.

and totally confused.

I am dainty.

and fragile.

and certainly perplexed.

I wonder.

11.16.11

don't let the friendship rot.

Hello again my dear blogspot. Haven't been here for quite some time, and geez, how I miss writing.

Felt like writing again, I've got tons of homework to do, lots of stuff on my mind, and lots of things to buy ,not to mention. lol (dentistry's way too expensive)

Call me a freak, or whatever. I'm going to be damn sentimental and mushy this time.

I'm in the middle of a crossroad, into a path of which to where, I do not know.

I wanna go to a distant land and think, to let my heart speak of how it truly feels.

Dang. I'm so bad at letting all the tension out, and writing is my only outlet.

Freaky. Now I'm circling around again. lol. I can't seem to get to my point..

"Don't let the friendship rot.
Caress it with your divine love,
Culture it with at most care,
And don't ever let go.."
Sigh* My mind's pretty much confused. I aint leaving anyone, and I aint going anywhere.

Bottomline: Gah. I'm much too sensitive and I don't wanna show it. That's why I'm writing this down. Just wanna let out some tension inside me..

Friendship a teenager's best asset and at the same time the worst waterloo everrrr.

It blooms, as time lengthens..

It's petals spread out and gives out beauty.

It's scent is sweet, and divine.

But as time goes..

It withers,

and slowly dies.

I beg to disagree.

Friendship does not die. It stays. Cause it will always be true.

Friendship blooms in May, in June and even in winter.

Friendship has no limits.

It's beauty is itself, and it's scent is much too amazing that I can no longer describe.

Friendship is beautiful.

It was created for people left out, needs company and for everyone, for every person, to cherish and to be grateful for such a treasure.

It is true and everlasting.

Friendship is about love.

love, for one another,

and understanding above all.

People make mistakes.

They grow weary and anxious.

Regret accompanies every waking heartache.

And alas.. sorry is the only reciprocal of thee.



-end-

11-17-11

I wanna be what I wanna be.

credits to zym villanueva for this photo

My name is Dee. A dent student at Centro Escolar University. I'm proud to say that I'm now a proper student because I've waited years for this.

Four years more till I become a dentist, perhaps...

Now I'll speak...

Nung bata ako gusto 'ko maging astronaut, maglakad sa buwan, tumalon talon at madama ang kasiyahan ng mga dati ng nakapunta dito..

Minsan ko ring naisip na maging Journalist at News Anchor sa T.V, adventure, parang ang saya nung feeling na asa harap ka ng camera para ipahayag sa tao ang mga totoong nangyayari sa mundo..

Teacher, tinitingala ko noon ang teacher 'ko nung Grade 2, napakabait nya at napakaamo ng kanyang ngiti.. Naalala ko pa nun sabi ko sa nanay ko, "Hindi po ako naghuhgas after humawak ng chalk kasi si teacher di naman po nag huhugas e.."Sumagot naman ang teacher ko na naghuhugas daw sya, hindi lang namin nakikita.. hmm.. Kahit sa mga simpleng bagay, una tayong natututo, kung hindi sa ating mga magulang, ay sa ating mga pangalawang nanay at tatay sa paaralan.. Ang mga guro ay nagsisilbing inspirasyon ng mga batang katulad ko..

SK Chairman, idol ko nun si Kuya Melvyn, kaya sabi ko paglaki ko, gagayahin ko sya.. Ngunit wala..Lawyer, sabi ni papa sakin nun, "Diane, mag abogado ka na lang!"Sagot ko naman sa kanya, "bakit naman? E ang hirap hirap kaya nun..""E kasi, sa lahat may rason ka, kita mo na yan.."Tawa na lang ako.. pero masaya yun kung iisipin.. Gaya na lamang ni Lolo Felix, the best!

Benta din yung Nursing nun.. Mag nurse ka kaya Diane?

Ayoko.. takot ako sa dugo..

Nakita ko yun banner.. Accountancy.. wala.. Wala akong alam sa MATH.

.SCQ, "Sigurado pag ako sumali dyan, sasabihin nila, tanggap ka na iha!"

Sus, yabang ko nung bata pa ako. lol. porke hilig 'kong paiyakin sarili ko..

Model, hindi. Mataba ako nun.

Beauty Queen, hindi, takot ako sa tao. Takot ako husgahan, takot ako sa hindi ko kilala..

Pambansang Iskolar, pinangarap ko mag U.P... Pero hindi nangyari.. Inisip ko na lang, will yun ni God..

Writer, Mass Comm. Grad.. Sabi ni tin "Magwriter ka na lang kaya? Para one day pagpunta ko ng bookstore at pagnakita ko libro mo.. Sasabihin 'ko, ui! Libro to ni yhan.." Oo, pinangarap ko rin 'to.. kaso takot ako sa kritisismo.. takot sa rejection. Tanong ko pa nga sa sarili ko, "ipapublish ko ba 'tong blog na 'to?"

Ngunit sa lahat ng 'to isa lang ang tumimbang ng higit..

Maging Dentista, ang saya siguro nun..Makakapag higanti na ako.. pero joke lang. :)Andami 'kong pangarap.. Pero ang gusto ko talaga sa lahat ay..

"to live up to the expectations of the people around me.."

Maraming tao ang naghihintay sa kung anong mararating mo sa buhay..Ako gusto ko maging DENTISTA.

 Anu man ang pangarap mo, isa lang ang masasabi ko.. pagbutihan mo, sapagkat, iyan na marahil ang pinakamalaking regalo na maibibigay mo sa sarili mo..

Mangarap ka, at abutin mo ang iyong nais.. :)

7.57pm

5.1.11.

Tabaco is always a home to those who call it a home.

My mind is blank and I've got nothing to write. Just thought I'd stop by my blog and say hi to my private dimension..

hmm.. I'm here in front of my green laptop, still exhausted and sleepy. I'm drained and have not yet gained enough energy yet.. Tomorrow is a dreaded exam day and so on. Still haven't scanned my notes, carved a little, but still, I haven't been productive for the past few days, considering it's a long weekend. yadi yadda...

August 26, I was to excited. I went home to my beloved hometown, Bicol.

No one could stop me once I'm decided, tsk. And even though I've got lots to do I still forced myself to go on board that bus and go home..

It was relaxing, absolutely fun! I really miss being in Tabaco, I miss the Sunday mass at malaking simbahan, the conversations in Bikol, the "hello tiya, hello tiyo" whenever I go out, and my friends and batchmates roaming the city.

Tabaco is always a home for those who call it a home.


Fair enough. But I just can't seem to contain the eagerness to go home every once in a while.


It's good to hear the laughter, the bikol jokes, and the mutual understanding we Bikolanos have.


And I won't cry.


I won't, really.


Back to reality. My reality.


I chose this path, and no being shall ever question me for doing so, even myself.


Now its back to my textbooks, to Clemente, to facebook and to texting whenever solace haunts me down. poooof! Let's do this! :)


4.27.pm.
8.30.11
.ollurac.enaid.