It' kinda awesome when you have the will to write something, regardless of whether you have a something to write about in your mind.
Tic tac.. Splatter.
And the rain just started pouring.
Click, click. Press.
And im reblogging like crazy.

My minds kind of chaotic right now.
And even my heart could affirm to that.
Here we go again.
Flip flip. Toss & turn.

---------this will forever be left unfinished :(

Dreams & Reality

If dreaming was a crime, then I plead guilty.

For dreaming is an everyday habit, a lifeline, and probably my very best friend.

I believe that I am a dreamer, and a believer at the same time.

Dreaming is my only diversion from the harsh reality of this present world.

I dream of a fairy tale come true,
                      of love's sweetest kiss,
                              of a morning filled with joy and serenity
                                        and of thy longing of a happy ending.

If only dreams were real, then I would gladly love life, always.

But who am I to say such?

Life wasn't meant to be just full of bright lovely colors,
              it was made to be technicolor-ed, and somewhat gloomy, with the shadows were having.

Reality exists, we exist in reality.

We refuse to live a life full of chaos and confusion,
                   a day with hatred and regret,
                               and a night of endless tears and misery.

Reality exists, and I show utter disgust to the idea that it does.

Reality, is real.

No matter how hard I choose to escape, I always come back stranded, in my so called sea of dreams.

And as I awaken, I remember some fragments,

 of the dreams I've once had..

"A dream is wish, your heart makes."

And now as I gently close my eyes, I shall hear the cries of yesterday,
              of my heart gently beating,
                           asking its own desire,
                                        to live a life, I wish I had.

Dreams are real, they exist in reality.

For as dreamers, we make it real.

Reality may never be changed, but I can always bring to life, my dreams.

Dreams, a lifeline of which I take in all the days of my life.

It's what keeps me going, it's what keeps me moving forward to live my reality.

I may never replace reality with my own simple dreams,
            but I can always, bring joy and laughter to my reality through my dreams.


END.

DEEEEEE <3

24.1.12

Restless and weary

Staring at the ceiling making, friends with shadows...

Here I am again, the great procrastinator of all time, with her laptop open, and some thoughts to ponder on.

Within me is a confused being,

perhaps I don't have problems, as big as others have,

but still, these are problems, that I shall have to face, now, or never.

My brother told me, that we, teenagers, have lots and lots of problems to think about, but we never really realize that it's they, in their 20's that got those serious life problems that are more drastic. Come to think of it, they do.

When I was in HS, and even when i was a mere child in my elementary years, i would often stare into paranoia, thinking about the things in life that bothers me, but right now, thinking about those silly itsy bitsy problems I've had, I realized, those were tiny, compared to what I'm having now.

Often when I have problems, I would tell myself, "I can do this!"

Thinking that in the future, I'll tell myself that I've finally conquered and reigned over all the trials I've had in life.

Here I am again, facing a crossroad.

Its time again for me to choose,

what's right,

and what should be done.

I can't tell you right now what that is,

but I'm hoping, that deep inside my heart,

mind,

and soul,

is an answer, that's slowly whispering...

I'm hoping for an answer,

I am dying to know,

I just don't when I'll get the right one.

I don't know if it has been long said to me,

but maybe, just maybe, as I step out in my everyday,

I'll be closer to that answer.

My brother told me that when you reach 20, its that time of decision making, its that time when you'll choose who you'll be, and what you will become.

I wonder what may happen if i would have to choose at this moment, at this point in time...

Cause I'm thinking it's what's happening now.

I'm perplexed, and also in solace at the moment.

I've got thoughts lingering in the corners of my mind,

I'm a fugitive, and I refuse to go out and come clean.

I reckon yesterday was nothing but fun and laughter,

I wonder how it came to be such dreary and painful world.

Nostalgic.

All I can do is remember,

those smiles I've had,

those moments of frolic,

and that lovely awakening...

I'll just choose to be here for now, hoping that one day, I'll get an answer,

and that one day, everything, will be back, as it should be.

END.

crazy, goofy. wacko. jumbo mumbo words.

deeeeeee.

I wonder.

I wonder if I'm ever worth knowing.

If I'm ever worth mingling with.

If I'm ever worth being called as someone's friend.

I'm arrogant, and selfish.

I'm heartless and a fool.

I'm a robot, I have emotions, but I can't let it out.

I wonder if I'm ever worthy for some respect.

For some love

and for some attention.

I wonder if I'm ever worth their pain.

And if I'm ever worth the consequence.

I am just me.

Selfless.

Immature.

and totally confused.

I am dainty.

and fragile.

and certainly perplexed.

I wonder.

11.16.11

don't let the friendship rot.

Hello again my dear blogspot. Haven't been here for quite some time, and geez, how I miss writing.

Felt like writing again, I've got tons of homework to do, lots of stuff on my mind, and lots of things to buy ,not to mention. lol (dentistry's way too expensive)

Call me a freak, or whatever. I'm going to be damn sentimental and mushy this time.

I'm in the middle of a crossroad, into a path of which to where, I do not know.

I wanna go to a distant land and think, to let my heart speak of how it truly feels.

Dang. I'm so bad at letting all the tension out, and writing is my only outlet.

Freaky. Now I'm circling around again. lol. I can't seem to get to my point..

"Don't let the friendship rot.
Caress it with your divine love,
Culture it with at most care,
And don't ever let go.."
Sigh* My mind's pretty much confused. I aint leaving anyone, and I aint going anywhere.

Bottomline: Gah. I'm much too sensitive and I don't wanna show it. That's why I'm writing this down. Just wanna let out some tension inside me..

Friendship a teenager's best asset and at the same time the worst waterloo everrrr.

It blooms, as time lengthens..

It's petals spread out and gives out beauty.

It's scent is sweet, and divine.

But as time goes..

It withers,

and slowly dies.

I beg to disagree.

Friendship does not die. It stays. Cause it will always be true.

Friendship blooms in May, in June and even in winter.

Friendship has no limits.

It's beauty is itself, and it's scent is much too amazing that I can no longer describe.

Friendship is beautiful.

It was created for people left out, needs company and for everyone, for every person, to cherish and to be grateful for such a treasure.

It is true and everlasting.

Friendship is about love.

love, for one another,

and understanding above all.

People make mistakes.

They grow weary and anxious.

Regret accompanies every waking heartache.

And alas.. sorry is the only reciprocal of thee.



-end-

11-17-11

I wanna be what I wanna be.

credits to zym villanueva for this photo

My name is Dee. A dent student at Centro Escolar University. I'm proud to say that I'm now a proper student because I've waited years for this.

Four years more till I become a dentist, perhaps...

Now I'll speak...

Nung bata ako gusto 'ko maging astronaut, maglakad sa buwan, tumalon talon at madama ang kasiyahan ng mga dati ng nakapunta dito..

Minsan ko ring naisip na maging Journalist at News Anchor sa T.V, adventure, parang ang saya nung feeling na asa harap ka ng camera para ipahayag sa tao ang mga totoong nangyayari sa mundo..

Teacher, tinitingala ko noon ang teacher 'ko nung Grade 2, napakabait nya at napakaamo ng kanyang ngiti.. Naalala ko pa nun sabi ko sa nanay ko, "Hindi po ako naghuhgas after humawak ng chalk kasi si teacher di naman po nag huhugas e.."Sumagot naman ang teacher ko na naghuhugas daw sya, hindi lang namin nakikita.. hmm.. Kahit sa mga simpleng bagay, una tayong natututo, kung hindi sa ating mga magulang, ay sa ating mga pangalawang nanay at tatay sa paaralan.. Ang mga guro ay nagsisilbing inspirasyon ng mga batang katulad ko..

SK Chairman, idol ko nun si Kuya Melvyn, kaya sabi ko paglaki ko, gagayahin ko sya.. Ngunit wala..Lawyer, sabi ni papa sakin nun, "Diane, mag abogado ka na lang!"Sagot ko naman sa kanya, "bakit naman? E ang hirap hirap kaya nun..""E kasi, sa lahat may rason ka, kita mo na yan.."Tawa na lang ako.. pero masaya yun kung iisipin.. Gaya na lamang ni Lolo Felix, the best!

Benta din yung Nursing nun.. Mag nurse ka kaya Diane?

Ayoko.. takot ako sa dugo..

Nakita ko yun banner.. Accountancy.. wala.. Wala akong alam sa MATH.

.SCQ, "Sigurado pag ako sumali dyan, sasabihin nila, tanggap ka na iha!"

Sus, yabang ko nung bata pa ako. lol. porke hilig 'kong paiyakin sarili ko..

Model, hindi. Mataba ako nun.

Beauty Queen, hindi, takot ako sa tao. Takot ako husgahan, takot ako sa hindi ko kilala..

Pambansang Iskolar, pinangarap ko mag U.P... Pero hindi nangyari.. Inisip ko na lang, will yun ni God..

Writer, Mass Comm. Grad.. Sabi ni tin "Magwriter ka na lang kaya? Para one day pagpunta ko ng bookstore at pagnakita ko libro mo.. Sasabihin 'ko, ui! Libro to ni yhan.." Oo, pinangarap ko rin 'to.. kaso takot ako sa kritisismo.. takot sa rejection. Tanong ko pa nga sa sarili ko, "ipapublish ko ba 'tong blog na 'to?"

Ngunit sa lahat ng 'to isa lang ang tumimbang ng higit..

Maging Dentista, ang saya siguro nun..Makakapag higanti na ako.. pero joke lang. :)Andami 'kong pangarap.. Pero ang gusto ko talaga sa lahat ay..

"to live up to the expectations of the people around me.."

Maraming tao ang naghihintay sa kung anong mararating mo sa buhay..Ako gusto ko maging DENTISTA.

 Anu man ang pangarap mo, isa lang ang masasabi ko.. pagbutihan mo, sapagkat, iyan na marahil ang pinakamalaking regalo na maibibigay mo sa sarili mo..

Mangarap ka, at abutin mo ang iyong nais.. :)

7.57pm

5.1.11.

Tabaco is always a home to those who call it a home.

My mind is blank and I've got nothing to write. Just thought I'd stop by my blog and say hi to my private dimension..

hmm.. I'm here in front of my green laptop, still exhausted and sleepy. I'm drained and have not yet gained enough energy yet.. Tomorrow is a dreaded exam day and so on. Still haven't scanned my notes, carved a little, but still, I haven't been productive for the past few days, considering it's a long weekend. yadi yadda...

August 26, I was to excited. I went home to my beloved hometown, Bicol.

No one could stop me once I'm decided, tsk. And even though I've got lots to do I still forced myself to go on board that bus and go home..

It was relaxing, absolutely fun! I really miss being in Tabaco, I miss the Sunday mass at malaking simbahan, the conversations in Bikol, the "hello tiya, hello tiyo" whenever I go out, and my friends and batchmates roaming the city.

Tabaco is always a home for those who call it a home.


Fair enough. But I just can't seem to contain the eagerness to go home every once in a while.


It's good to hear the laughter, the bikol jokes, and the mutual understanding we Bikolanos have.


And I won't cry.


I won't, really.


Back to reality. My reality.


I chose this path, and no being shall ever question me for doing so, even myself.


Now its back to my textbooks, to Clemente, to facebook and to texting whenever solace haunts me down. poooof! Let's do this! :)


4.27.pm.
8.30.11
.ollurac.enaid.

I dreamed of having a blog since time immemorial

I can't believe I'm writing again. Thanks to this new world I've created and to this laptop I'm using :)

I can now perfectly convey what I feel. It just sucks to know that sometimes you've got all those words on your mind and just gets to jammed up together that you just don't know where to start..

Anyway, I'm glad I found my inspiration in writing again, although I'm still clueless what that is..

I dreamed of having a blog since time immemorial, a perfect blog where I can store all the information, all the thoughts and convictions in this brain of mine. Well I'm glad I've found it.

Started with that friendster blog, which really wasn't a good place to hide all this stuff, then come facebook, which was really nothing, then tumblr, I really can't share anything there except for some pictures and some quotes. I'm happy I found the courage to make a blogspot of my own, it's the perfect spot for all the jumbled words on my mind. <3

It's 11.40pm on my clock, and I think I better get going, hope I find another good thing to blog about tomorrow. :)

It ends here.

29.7.11 11.41.pm

I have faded to dust. And all that's left is but a tiny speck.

I can't believe I'm typing this right now, but, yeah, I guess I need to take this down.. lol

Been trolling on some pages lately, browsed some people I knew back in High School which had kinda a similar past as I had back then..

Told myself, "Wow, they really out done their selves."

I can't believe I'm missing the fun of being on stage, the crowd's cheer and the fast beating of my heart whenever I face a thousand audiences..

I miss people whispering the words, "You can do it!"

As I was looking through some pictures I can't help but feel jealous.. I so want to be on stage, even just one last time.. even though I knew I told myself I've retired, long ago..

When I entered college, I told myself that it would be a lot different.. that I'll refrain from entering those so called pageants and "searches".. But as time passed I missed the screaming crowd, the tension I feel whenever questions are asked, and the breath taking moment when they announce the winner.. I miss it. I miss the lime light. Never thought I'd say this words but I do, I really do.

But still, whenever they ask me to do so, nowadays, I hinder myself from saying "Ok, I'll join."

Just realized I now have a lot of insecurities I need to deal with right now.

Chubby Cheeks.

Not being too photogenic.

Soon to be so so fat legs.

Flabby Arms.

And my protruding belly. lol

Extra adipose tissue included.

They keep on telling me, "Why wont you join now that you're still young?"

I tell them because I've got priorities, studies..

And that life is far beyond my reach.. most probably that land too..

I want to, but a part of me says no.. In myself I know that that wasn't the only reason why I always hesitated to join.. I fear of the crowd, again.. Of the growling and howling. I fear of being hated right now. I don't know..

Perhaps it's the idea that people now expect something from me..

Or maybe because whenever they see me, they can always remember something of my past.. "Ah, sya yung Ms. Junior dati?"

Dati, past, former. And now gone..

I have faded to dust. And all that's left is but a tiny speck..

I was that big planet long ago. Now I'm gone. I'm pluto, a former planet, now considered as an asteroid.. but no, I'm worst than that, I'm nothing..

So this is me whining. If I were a child I should be having tantrums at the moment, but no, I've grown up, and since technology is at its best today, I'm no longer holding a pen and a paper to express my feelings, I'm now typing on this lousy keyboard.. So that maybe just maybe, I can let go of some of my frustrations.

The end.

Story of my life. 29.7.11. 11.21pm

I always come back stranded in my sea of dreams.

I've grown up..

I don't remember wishing so.. but I guess I did, a few times back when I was still younger than I was today..

I don't wanna grow up, really..

I wanna be like peter pan, the child who never grows old back in Neverland..

How I wish I can stay in a storybook, so that I'll remain a lil' girl like Alice and have superb adventures in Wonderland.. over and over again..

Too bad though, no matter how hard I've tried..

I always come back stranded in my sea of dreams..

I find myself in front of the mirror, staring at myself, looking at my dark brown eyes, my round face, and my straight black hair..

I'll never be too old for the saying "I wish I was a child again.."

But then again, how many times should I wish to do so?..

For all the times I did, I lost track of what I was doing..
I forgot to cease the moment.. to enjoy life as a kid while I still am.. Cause I was too busy wishing I could still bring my childhood back..

I am young, still young..

and I wish I could enjoy my life a s it is..

I remember one great saying back when I was in HS,
"No one is ever satisfied or contented with his/her life."

We keep on wishing on stars & comets and we keep on praying for something better, that we always forget about what we have.

Let's enjoy what we have now..

I am young, still young..

And I wanna live life as happy as playing house when I was a kid. I wanna love like that fake wedding with my playmate. And I wanna laugh endlessly, like when I was playing piggy back rides with my kuya and papa..

I wanna scream and shout like when I was playing hide and seek with my friends,

I wanna jump and hop, like playing piko, jumping rope and Chinese garter.

But most of all..

while I'm still young..

I wanna stay sweet and nice to my mamaand papa..

Like when my papa would carry me on his back and when I still go to church with my mama..

I know I can still be their lil' angel..

I may have grown up..

to be perhaps, a young lady,

but still, i don't want my childhood days to be but a pigment of my imagination someday..

I want it to be real and imaginable..

I don't wanna let go of my childhood really.. but as I end this,

I bid good bye to my dream of being a child again, but say hello, to a continuation in my reality..

I wish the lil' prince was here to give me some advice. T_T

-2 nights till the end of my summer.
9.6.11. sleep.