enveloped thoughts entry 1

 Marriage is hard. Its the venture of two souls, two minds and getting into things you used to not do. Its nerve wracking, and its pretty much these set of thingamajigs which you never thought you'd process all at the same time and every thing just keeps being thrown at you piece by piece and you cant do anything but accept the things that come.

Im not saying what im going through is tough as heck, cause i know this is just the tip of the iceberg for some. But i know what im feeling is pretty much valid, and i hope no one invalidates me for this. But its just hard. I knew from the start new things rattle me, but I didnt know it was this hard. And im doing all these things alone, and im pretty much indistress. And its not that its intended to be such, it just was always been the situation from the start.

And im writing this just to put out all these things piling up in this brain of mine cause I swear, these is becoming too much to handle for me.

And im just trying so hard to get my message thru but im just always stuck at something and i cant get thru. Ive always lived life alone never needing anyone or at least try to suffice and learn to do things on my own but its just that sometimes you need people to actually help you thru the process of stuff, but I dont want to burden anyone with it. Its that time when I want my mama with me again to help me get passed this and hold my hand and help me with every step.

No one ever said it would be this hard. And im only just beginning. Baby steps.

and some one to hold my hand so i can get through...

someday, soon.

06.22.21

12:17am

Hello there

 Its been so long.

This will not even have flowery words,

nor will it have any idiomatic expressions.

I just wanna vent out.

My mind is circling once again

To and fro

I have this one thought in my head

I can never forget.

Why does life keep wanting you to give

When you dont even have enough for yourself

How do you continue to fight and live

When they dont even understand you

It sucks.

And its excruciating.

I havent felt this way in forever.

Its like everything’s just sinking in.

...why does it have to be this way.

I wanna walk and have wings of my own.

But its like everytime i try my wings get cut off

Its like trying to shut me down.

And it just keeps pulling me down.

Im not even on ground zero yet

But it sure heck hurts and stings

Down to the core

Someday I will have my own wings

Someday I will fly high.

Someday I will have enough

Someday I will build my dreams.

One step at a time.

No matter how hard.

No matter the nay sayers.

No matter what.

An open letter to all my friends.

Its always lovely to reminisce old memories,
Friends you have found along your journey
Photosnaps you’d wish to go back to
Moments you wish stayed forever

But everything in this world is fleeting
We grow each day
Further from who we were yesterday
Never really a new person, but better

We cant stay stationary
Just like how the earth always revolves
Life is fast phased
And we have to keep up with it

Im just happy I get a chance to recollect
Some thoughts, some emotion
Of the things that happened,
Of bonds that were created

We mature and we change
Most folks stay
They stay but its never the same way sometimes
Interests and topics go by

Leaving everyone with just memories
Of what had beens and what might have been.
What had happened and what was supposed to happen
Had you stayed stationary.

As we grow we collect friends a long the way
Good and bad, long and short term
Memories of them will stay
Sometimes a little blurry others so vivid

Guess this post is for all the friends I’ve met
Along this long and winding journey called life
I may not always be there
To laugh and to talk with

Because life has not been made stationary
We tend to walk the whole earth
And meet people along the way
We tend to get caught up by the present

But we will never forget the past
Of the hype of emotions
The wave of thoughts
And the unending stories

It will forever be etched in my heart
Something I’ll reminisce in times like tonight
Memories of when we used to talk
Moments of fun and sadness

I may not always be there at all times
But im always a friend.
I may pop up once in a while
But i’ll forever be here.

Just not always, like before
But here infinitely when you need me
Just call my name
Or just pop up randomly in my mind

Expect I’ll drop a message
Maybe say hi,
And likely, try to reminisce some memries
Of yesteryears, or of the present

Im sorry for not always being there
Im sorry for unanswered messages
But im happy, you’re happy
Im happy life has been good and swell.

I love you, i miss you.


your friend.

first love.

you will always be a wonderful memory.
a memory i’d go back to
of flashbacks and reminiscing.

a history of that what if
of a smile i’d paint when i think of you
just remembering the old days

but never going back to it
just a recollection of thoughts
untainted and unharmed.

just a glance of rose tinted glasses
and how the world looks like
in the eyes of one in love.

why.

Why do I feel like crying,
Why does this feel the most real.
Why do I feel a void
Why does this constant thought bother me.

And it sucks to pretend that everything is good.
That everything will actually be fine
Cause in the end you’re still bothered
Can I just ingest liters of endorphine

Or maybe just inject anesthetic solutions
But I actually feel a bit numb already
Is this how it actually feels?
Well it sucks.

It sucks to the deepest core.
Like I just wanna binge eat or ingest everything that’s thrown at me.
I just want answers.
I just want to fill this void inside me.

It just sucks.

11.2.19

roha love~

I learned that when you give love, it bounces back to you and multiplies a thousand folds.

Its been 3 months since I first set foot on this new world, its quite different to me, I got a bit culture shocked if you ask me, but everything seemed so welcoming and homey.

Its been a month since I stumbled upon people on stan twt that made me open an account of my own. At first it was lonely, looking at that "0 followers" actually suck, it was a new slate, a new world, a new dimension. Everyone was pretty much acquainted. And it was lovely seeing convos go from bias talks to life talks. It felt warm. I wondered how I'll survive in this new world.

Entering a new fandom different from my old fandoms made me feel like fish out of water. I wondered how I'll survive. There were also lots of new terms and not to mention lots of new things to learn? I never knew fangirling could be another level of complicated? But the complications make you prove your love for the boys and this fandom in general. If you're wondering what those complications are, well, those are the hanguls and many instructions for fancafe and voting thingamajigs. haha

But it was also in AAA that I tolerated myself to make a stan twt. I wanted to make another account that could vote for the boys on AAA. Ended up using it and made it a stan twt. I tried to learn the ropes and to observe rohas and how they interacted. I butt in in a lot of convos cause I wanted to try to engage to people, it was fun. Rohas are so warm and friendly, they literally dont bite.

I have been a fangirl for as long as I can remember, I never knew that at this age I'd actually get to meet a whole new set of people. I still wake up everyday asking myself what I've been doing with my life recently, but darn, these boys make me do things I never knew I was ever capable of doing. Also these rohas, they are so lovable and genuine. I just wanna wrap them all and keep them in my pocket.

I ended up finding myself on stan twt 24/7. Aint that swell? I met loads of new moots and I love how they were all easy to get along with. I even met a literal twin. This fandom is growing on me so much, just as much as those 6 dorks who has invaded my life and my schedule in ways I can never explain to normal people.

Its been more than a month on stan twt and I cant believe I came here again just in time. What would have happened to me if I wasn't here? Would I have enjoyed just as much? Would I have gotten to watch starlight too? Please believe me when I say that Cha Eun Woo was beyond awesome, the night was perfect, but it got even more perfect knowing that I'd get to hang out with new friends too afterwards.

Meeting new people for the first time is startling, but rohas are so welcoming, it doesn't  feel like that at all. I love how we can go on and on about astro and the things we love. This love we culture for the boys spreads like wildfire, we cant contain it. We love the boys oh so much we'd do everything for them. And I love I found people with that same interest.

I'm literally making this post to relieve myself of all that's on my mind. I have loads more but I just wanna give a big shout out to all my moots. You have welcomed a baby roha into this fandom and I am forever thankful. I promise to support the boys and rohas for as long as I can.

THANK YOU <3


love,
dee x

Writing for my 6 stars 💫

I dont know if you feel this way too, but these 6 dorks,
       their smiles and laughter warm my heart a lot.
They have been my escape and my distraction for these past few months
Whenever I see videos of them, it feels like an escape
        and all your troubles just seem to fade away~

The way they sing You and Me makes my heart flutter
         Its like the feeling that they matter a lot to you
   but you matter a lot to them too.
Its that feeling of reciprocation 💞

They may not know you exist to love them,
         But you know they’re thankful for each and every
     ounce of love you shower them upon. 💝

The way they slowly paint smiles on their faces
         Makes me feel jitters
    And when you stare deep into their eyes
          You know its endgame

Their crazy antics make me laugh out loud in ways
         I never thought could touch my heart deeply,
     They make me forget about the world even in just
         a fraction of a second~

You came into my life as a distraction
        from this crazy chaos inside my brain,
     But dear love, I am happy.

I am happy the way I wake up and see updates
     The way you’d all always ask about rohas’ day and if we’ve eaten

Do you all know how much you mean to us?
     How much joy you give whenever you post individual selcas?
        And much more when you’re all together?
            It feels like bliss. ✨

We are happy whenever you are all happy.
     You all are our drug,
         Our medicine to all that’s not well and aching

Thank you for exisiting 💫
    You make us all go cray with just a mere blink of an eye
         Or a booty shake, or even just plain existing.

You all deserve so much love,
       You all are stars in our hearts that will forever be here till the end. 💘

You said you wanted to be our stars,
         And in a snap of a finger, you all entered our hearts
    Not knowing this will be the start of something beautiful 💜

It has been an awesome journey with these 6 dorks by my side
     and some rohas I have met just recently.

I love this new found happiness and I love all of you 💓

I wanna walk with you all,
   One step
       Two steps
           Three steps ✨💜


- your baby aroha, Dee 💫

turning a new leaf

what does turning a new leaf mean?
will it mean actual change?
or will it go gradually?
few days has passed and i feel anxious

i've never felt so anxious for such a long time
it feels as though pressure has been thrown right at me
something no one has ever given me
but myself

they say timelines dont matter
but maybe just sometimes
when we actually think that it doesnt
we tend to forget

to forget that we should actually plan
for the days that will come by
for the month that will actually pass by swiftly
for years that you never thought will come

but actually, its nearer than you ever thought it would be
i am faced by this consequence
a consequence i knew i needed to face in time
but what does anyone need to ever be prepared?

i have questioned myself a thousand times
ive thrown questions here and there
but it just seems like a one way street
so many questions and yet not one single one answered

its deafening
its just like a one sided whirlwind of thoughts
im stuck in this limbo
i dont know when i'll ever leave

im so clueless,
i dont even know what to do
i dont even know where to start
what i know is just the now

how does one turn a new leaf?

being alone

Deafening silence, sometimes I ought to surround myself with this
Just to let my heart and mind think
I miss those times when walking nourished my soul
When just pure lurking around inspired me

Those times when staring at falling leaves meant a new poem
When looking at children playing felt nostalgic
Capturing each moment seemed like writing stories that will infinitely last
Everything has gone by so fast and smoothly

I cant seem to keep up with this fast phased world
Sometimes I feel like I'm even losing who I was before
We live in this world where constant change is needed
I hate to say it, but most often, we conform

Maybe that's why ever so often,
I would choose to just sit still and wonder
Waiting for thoughts to come by
Those moments when being alone meant bliss

Being alone meant I could write something new
Being alone meant I could hear my own thoughts
Being alone meant joy to my soul
Being alone meant creativity could flow

Its awesome to wander around people,
To learn about them, to know who they are
But there's just this accomplishing feeling
When at the end of the day you belong to you.

You realize everything that's happened
And tap yourself in the back
Bliss. That only you yourself can give.
Maybe this is self worth.

What can do you do when a friend is heartbroken?

What do you do when a friend is heartbroken?

Perhaps tell her words that you think will ease her heart

Help her get some sweets or buy her ice cream to put her in glee

Comfort her with all your heart and hope it eases her soul

Or maybe just sit there with her as she vents her heart out

Words of wisdom or some love quotations will never ease a broken soul

Nor will a heartbreak soundtrack nor a sweet flick movie

What matters most is just to be there in that moment

So when she’s ready to break down you’ll let her fall and you’ll catch her

Unlike that guy who let her fall but unknowingly went by and took the nearest exit

Just be there for her

Words will never be enough

Just let her cry and all will get better in the end

I know words can never suffice and heal all that’s aching

But dear friend, just know were here

Its true what they say, boyfriends come and pass

But your real friends will always stay by your side and stick with you

I dont know what else to say

But cry it all out, let lose all that hatred and frustration

We will continue to listen

Up till you finally say

“Im better off without him

Im okay now”

Cheers girl! There’s someone out there for you

And we’ll all together continue to pray for that 🙏

12:27pm